


let me love you like a woman

by brightsee



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Coming Out, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Smut, F/F, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-18 15:41:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 29,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28745634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brightsee/pseuds/brightsee
Summary: Shelby Goodkind finds the freedom to be herself when she goes away to college. It takes some time but she discovers who she is and finds new love along the way.college au
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 83
Kudos: 681
Collections: Finishedstoriesmine





	1. part one

**Author's Note:**

> okay, I love this show and got so inspired to write again after three years of writers block. What was supposed to be a cute little oneshot has turned into something bigger than that. Here's my take on a college au and my belief that Shelby would figure her shit out once she got away from her father. I know nothing about american college and religion so hopefully it's not too off the mark. Hope y'all enjoy!

_ “Let me love you like a woman, _

_ Let me hold you like a baby, _

_ Let me shine like a diamond, _

_ Let me be who I’m meant to be.” _

_ -Lana del Rey , let me love you like a woman _

  
  
  


It starts with a college acceptance letter. 

Shelby Goodkind does not do anything half assed, nor does she go down without a fight. She knows it’s a bit of a stretch, her parents are praying for acceptance from Southern Methodist University in Dallas but her heart is set on anywhere but there. She’s gotten several acceptance letters but she settles on University of Minnesota because Dallas is too close to home, too close to her parents, and she feels like she’s suffocating under their thumb. 

She knows that God is whispering to her, telling her, that UMN is where she needs to go. It’s a good school with good programs, not too expensive, and it’s far away from her parents and Texas. So she gathers up resources and information to present to her parents; finds a church by the college, applies for scholarships, and hands over her boyfriend's matching acceptance letter. She presents all this to her parents in a well organized, thought out, manner. 

“Minnesota? Baby Girl, that’s halfway across the country,” her father says, staring at her with his disapproving preacher gaze. 

It’s not like she hasn’t considered the distance. She has a plan. 

“I know, Daddy, but I’ll get a job as soon as I get there and I can fly home with Andrew for every holiday! Please?” she tries but he doesn’t look convinced so she pulls out her last card. “Maybe a trip to UMN will help convince you? Maybe we can meet with Pastor Ryan in Minneapolis?” 

Her parents share a look and it’s decided.

* * *

Freshman year at UMN Shelby makes a vow to herself to try new things, to be exactly who she wants to be. She leaves Texas behind, the pageant life, the high standards, and watchful eyes. It feels like she can finally breathe easy as she crosses the border into Minnesota, the weight falling from her shoulders. 

Shelby shares a room with Fatin Jadmani and it’s a life changing experience. In every way, she is the complete opposite from Shelby. Where Shelby is a religious church goer, avid bible reader, and faithful girlfriend, Fatin hides vodka under her bed, goes to parties, and brings a different guy home every weekend. 

Still, Shelby tries her hardest to get along with Fatin. They’ll be sharing the room for the next ten months and she remembers what her Daddy taught her, to befriend even those who are different because they are the ones that need God the most. Fatin is Muslim but Shelby is pretty sure it still applies so she reaches out a friendly hand on the first day introducing herself. 

They get along about as well as expected.

Fatin curses at Shelby when her alarm goes off at six am and Shelby huffs when Fatin locks her out of their room for the second time that week. Yet, when Shelby is sick the first thanksgiving and she’s supposed to go home with Andrew, it’s Fatin who stays behind and takes care of her. When Fatin is hungover and skips class, Shelby will share her notes. It’s a give and take relationship but slowly she’s starting to appreciate having such a unique roommate. 

It’s one night in January when Fatin turns to her, pausing from doing her eyeliner. “You should come out with me tonight.”

“Go out?” She repeats slowly, making sure she heard her right. It’s not even the weekend but a random Tuesday and they both have class in the morning. She’s never indulged in the parties but there’s a yearning in her gut, wanting to take every opportunity college has to offer. 

“Yeah, you need to loosen up, girl,” Fatin says. “You’re so tense all the time and it’s the beginning of a new semester.” 

Shelby chews on her lip unsure and takes a second to consider it. Andrew hasn’t responded to her text in hours, they were supposed to study but it appears he’s caught up with something else. She looks down at her phone, her family smiling up at her so happily and she knows that her father wouldn’t approve but there’s a spike of rebellion that runs through her. 

“Alright, I’m in,” Shelby says, sending a flurry of nerves through her stomach. 

Fatin jumps up from her seat. “Perfect, wear this.” She throws a crop top and skinny jeans over at Shelby which she promptly puts on. 

It’s a frat party and Shelby has heard the worst things about the Greek system and has promised her father to stay away from it. She reasons that it doesn’t hurt if she’s just there for the night. Shelby takes a deep breath before entering, says a quick prayer for her safety and forgiveness, and enters arm and arm with Fatin. 

Parties are loud, she notes. There’s bodies everywhere, either dancing or drinking. A red cup is shoved into her hand the second they step into the kitchen and Shelby takes a look at it down her nose, she knows never to take a drink from a stranger. Fatin throws her head back and laughs, taking her drink from her and passing it off to a random guy beside them. 

“Relax, Shelby,” she yells in her ear then pulls out a bottle of vodka that she hadn’t even known Fatin had packed and takes a swig. 

Fatin passes it to Shelby with a raised brow. The other girl knows that Shelby wanted to make more memories, to try more things while in college, and this was her offering the chance for Shelby to take that leap. Somewhere in the back of her head she can hear her father telling her how much of a disappointment she is but she doesn’t listen to him, instead pushes it aside as she throws her head back taking a shot of vodka straight from the bottle. 

Shelby coughs at the burn in the back of her throat, dragging her arm across her lips. Fatin laughs but slaps her on the back trying to help. “I’m proud of you, babes,” she tells Shelby before dragging her over to the kitchen table where drinking games are being played. 

The shot is enough to loosen her up and she joins Fatin in playing flip cup then beer pong. She sips on her beer as leisurely as she can, feeling a slight buzz. It’s honestly the most fun she’s had all year. Fatin ditches her within an hour into the party but she makes friends with this girl named Dot, someone from her hometown who she’s seen in passing once or twice. It’s only with a slight buzz and in another city does she make friends with her, all inhibitions lost. 

They walk home together, Dot living a floor below her, after Fatin sends her text to find her own way home. Shelby laughs, letting Dot pull her into the cool night air. She would have been more mad about the whole night and Fatin’s disappearance if she wasn’t a little drunk and trusted her roommate to find her way home. The alcohol warms her up enough that she doesn’t flinch when the cold air whips at her cheeks. 

Dot pulls a bag of Taki’s seemingly from nowhere sending Shelby into a fit of laughter. “Where in heck did you pull that from?”

“I stole it,” she says, shrugging as she plops a chip in her mouth. 

Shelby shakes her head and accepts the Taki’s. The two walk back to the dorm in relative quiet, munching on the Taki’s between them. Shelby gets lost in thought, knowing that if she were back in Texas that this night never would have been possible. Shelby doesn’t remember a time where she’s ever been freer, it feels like a weight has been lifted. 

“I can’t believe it,” Shelby says, more to herself than to Dot. 

“What?”

“This night,” Shelby sighs, letting her head fall back as she breaths in the crisp air. “That I’m even here in Minneapolis.”

“Honestly, I can’t believe it either,” Dot says. “The preacher’s daughter is drunk right now, who would have thought?”

“Me,” Shelby whispers. 

Dot pulls Shelby into her side and holds her tight. “I hope you’re making the most of it.”

Shelby smiles shyly, she’s trying. 

* * *

Shelby feels like she’s being pulled in two different directions so she visits Pastor Ryan. 

He’s an older man, kinder and more forgiving than her father ever is which is why she feels compelled to talk to him. She’s had the best year of college, excelling in all her classes and even making time to hang out with Fatin and Dot, both of whom were quickly becoming good friends. She’s gone to the odd party, sometimes even with Andrew who loves this side of her. 

For all that she has grown in the past year she feels like she has failed God and herself somehow. Shelby has been missing church services, never from a hangover, but more from how busy school is and how much harder her courses are from high school. The guilt sits heavy in her stomach and she knows her father would be furious with her if he were to ever find out. 

“I’m sorry to bother you, Pastor Ryan,” Shelby says as she steps into his office. 

His smile is bright as he waves her in. “It’s no bother at all. How have you been? I’ve missed seeing you helping out around here.”

Shelby takes the seat across from him, trying not to sink into herself like she desperately wants to out of shame. “I know and I’m really sorry. I’ve been so busy with school and studying to try and make the honour roll that my duties as a Christian have been slipping.”

“It’s quite alright, Shelby.”

“It’s really not,” she argues, feeling the tears creep up but she holds them back. “I was raised to attend church every Sunday and to attend bible study and to help out with the fundraisers. I’ve hardly been able to do that since I’ve been here.”

Pastor Ryan hums, leaning back in his chair. “Let me ask you this. Do you feel like you’re farther from God when you’re not here?” 

“No.” Her fingers tangle in her necklace, thumb running over the cross pendant. “I’m not sure how or why but I think I feel closer to God everyday that I’m not here.”

Pastor Ryan smiles and it’s full of warmth, calming her hysteria. “It’s because you carry God with you wherever you are. It doesn’t make you any less of a Christian for not going to church. He loves his children equally, no matter if they pray every night or every once in a while.”

Shelby nods, still not believing what she has done isn’t wrong. She was brought up to attend church and to fulfill your Christian duties through acts of service. She still loves God, loves her religion, but she can’t get over the disappointment in herself for being busy with school and going to parties. If her father were to ever find out he’d be disappointed in her. 

“But I haven’t been my best self, I’ve sinned,” she says meekly. 

“Haven’t we all in some way or another?” He retorts. “You’re a young woman in college, you should be out enjoying yourself. God is with you no matter what and he loves you, sins and all.”

Shelby doesn’t quite believe it but she vows to do and be better. 

The next Sunday she attends church and keeps it up through her final exams and up until she returns home. Fatin doesn’t say a word and Dot supports her, knowing that this is important to her. Andrew doesn’t go with her, if anything he’s growing more distant with every passing day and Shelby doesn’t find it in herself to care. 

When she returns to Texas she’s a different woman than when she left ten months earlier. 

* * *

“So, how is Minnesota?” Becca asks the second she walks into Shelby’s bedroom. 

“It's good,” she replies, sparing a glance up at Becca who flops onto her bed, sprawling out across the floral bedsheet. Shelby caps the nail polish, shaking out her fingers to get them to dry faster. She’s had this question thrown at her so many times in the past week and she never knows how to answer. 

Her father wants to hear more about her involvement with the church rather than her studies. She lies and tells him about the Christian Youth Club she joined at school, how she helps out with the fundraisers, and spares her extra hours volunteering at the soup kitchen. He wouldn’t understand if she told him that college was a stressor in and of itself and that she couldn’t spare much time within the church. 

She wants to tell Becca everything but holds back. 

“Just good?” Becca questions, probing for more of an answer.

“Yeah, I like my roommate and I’ve become close friends with Dot Campbell,” She shrugs. 

“Dot? Really? I never would have even guessed you two would end up at the same college or even be friends!” 

“She’s fun,” Shelby tries to reason. 

As different as she and Dot are, Shelby finds she has more in common with her than with Becca. They both dealt with Fatin, both failed the same midterm, and she had a way of making Shelby laugh until she cries. As she looks across her room at her childhood friend, she couldn’t help but feel further apart from her. 

“Anyhow, how was your year at Southern Methodist University?” Shelby changes the subject onto safer conversations. 

She loves Becca but she can’t find it in herself to open up to her and just how exactly her year away at college unfolded. She plays it safe, just in case anything were to get back to her parents or if they happened to walk into her room unexpectedly. Becca fills her in on her year and Shelby can’t help but think how grateful she is that she managed to escape, to find a sense of freedom outside of the bubble that was Texas. 

* * *

Sophomore year of college begins with a break up. 

Andrew ends it before she even leaves for college. He claims they’re two different people and Shelby can’t find it in herself to argue with him. Their freshman year saw them both doing their own thing and when they did see each other it was lackluster, nights spent studying more than anything. Andrew rarely joined Shelby when she went out with Dot and Fatin, and he always had something snarky or negative to say about her two closest friends. 

There isn’t much heartbreak and she leaves Texas this year much like the last, full of hope and excitement for a new year at UMN. 

* * *

She ends up sharing an apartment off campus with Fatin, Dot, and Leah. Shelby has met Leah a handful of times the year before and though they don’t have much in common, she knows if Fatin trusts her then it’s good enough for her. She grabs a room beside Dot and they share a bathroom, the other girl not minding that Shelby’s hair or makeup products take up over half the counter space. 

Shelby sets up rules for the apartment the first night they’re all there. Fatin wants her room off limits and everyone agrees, they have a chore chart which is rotated through every week to keep things fair and tidy. They agree on a roomie night at least once a week where they can all spend time together, whether that be going out or staying in and watching a movie. And finally, they settle on giving a heads up if any guys were to be brought home or staying the night.

“No problems there,” Leah says, raising her beer in salute. After a bad break up she plans on staying away from men for as long as she can. 

“I think it’s Fatin we all have to worry about,” Dot adds, smirking. 

“Hell yeah you do,” Fatin smiles, downing the rest of her drink. 

Shelby laughs, she’s missed her friends more than anything. 

* * *

This year Shelby plans to spend more time at the church and make an effort to volunteer when she can. At least she knows what she’s expecting this year round for her courses and now without Andrew occupying some of her time she wants to give back to the community in any way she can. 

Pastor Ryan smiles when he spots her walking into the community centre with a box in arms. “It’s great to see you back, Shelby.”

“It’s great to be back,” she replies, and means it honestly. “Where would you like me to put this?”

“Over with the others, thanks.”

While she was home she went to church and spent time in bible study and it felt suffocating through the pressure she faced from her parents. They wanted her to be seen as the perfect daughter, not a hair out of place and on the best behaviour. It felt like she was putting on an act for those three months she was home; here, she’s free to be herself. 

Shelby adds her box with the others and notices another girl her age sorting out the clothing items. The church, along with others in the surrounding area, were putting on a fundraiser to collect clothing items for those less fortunate. The weather was getting colder in Minneapolis and it was always hard walking through the city and seeing so many people, kids especially, without the proper attire. 

“Hi there,” Shelby says, offering a slight wave. 

“Hey, you’re Shelby right?” When she nods the other girl smiles, “Nora.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Nora, can I help you out?”

“Sure.”

Shelby spends the rest of the afternoon sorting out clothes with Nora. She learns that the other girl has a twin, both Sophomores at UMN, and Nora wasn’t religious in any way but rather helping out for the community service. Shelby likes that she’s ambitious, has a desire to reach further and do better, much like her parents who are professors. 

They grab coffee afterwards, Shelby waving goodbye to Pastor Ryan on the way out and promises to see him on Sunday. They talk about their course load, about the papers they have to write, and Shelby is surprised to find out that Nora is interested in Psychology. Shelby hasn’t decided on a major yet, rather taking general courses hoping that something sparks an interest. 

When she gets home that night she calls her parents, her father asking how her day was. Shelby finds it a relief to not have to lie to him, that she was helping out Pastor Ryan and the clothing drive. That seems to soothe any of his worries and Shelby can breathe easier. She loves her parents, she really does, but she finds it hard to live up to their expectations. 

Her father brings up her major, like so many times before. “I just think maybe you should look more into theology, you’re running out of time to claim a major, baby girl.”

“Not really, Daddy,” she tells him. Fatin hasn’t claimed a major yet and Dot is still hesitant to claim hers. 

“You need to pick one sooner rather than later or you’ll never graduate.”

Shelby knows that’s not true. “I just need more time.”

Her father huffs on the other end of the line. “Maybe you should talk to Pastor Ryan, see what he thinks about studying theology.” 

“Sure thing, Daddy,” she says, effectively ending that line of conversation. Sometimes it’s better to just agree with him than fight him on something he’s dead set against. Her father wants her to follow in his footsteps and she’s reluctant to agree to such a thing. 

They talk a little bit more, Shleby chewing on her nails as he talks about the church. He tells her he’s seen Andrew around town and wonders why he isn’t with her in Minneapolis and she has to break the news to him. He’s not at all sympathetic, but rather tells her to give him time and maybe they’ll repair their relationship. It’s doubtful, considering he transferred schools and he’s no longer a student at UMN. 

“It was good talking to you, little girl.”

“I’ll see you at Thanksgiving, Daddy,” she says. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Shelby hangs up and lets out a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding. She slips off her bed and wanders into the common room where the other girls were hanging out. It’s a Friday night and she’s a little surprised that they’re all at home and not out partying, Fatin especially. 

“You look haggard, Babe,” Fatin observes. 

“My dad,” she sighs, flopping down onto the couch between Fatin and Dot. 

“You look like you need this,” Leah says, holding out a beer to her. 

She’s not the biggest drinker but she feels herself relax after a sip of beer. “What would I do without y’all?”

Dot laughs and pats her on the knee, “let’s hope to never find out.”

* * *

Things begin to unravel for Shelby shortly before Thanksgiving. 

Dot talks her into taking a course on diversity and Shelby agrees because she grew up in an upper middle class household in the whitest part of town in Texas. She knows that she grew up sheltered, especially growing up in the church and her father as a preacher. Shelby signs up and takes everything in, wanting to learn because she’s escaped the hellish landscape of Texas and the inability to diversify. 

The week that sexuality comes up sends an itch under her skin and Shelby doesn’t quite understand why. Maybe it was because she grew up knowing about gay and straight, that the homosexual lifestyle was a sin, point blank. She’s never questioned her teachings due to her father and the sheltered life she’s lived. 

Yet now she learns that there is so much more than being gay or straight. She learns about the difference between romantic and sexual attraction, learns that some people don’t experience sexual attraction at all, or some only experience it after bonding with someone. It sends her head in a tailspin, it’s so utterly fascinating to her. She wants to fight back, to learn and grow, and be more accepting as she becomes a better version of herself. 

“So, what’s the difference between bisexual and pansexual,” Shelby asks Dot as they eat their dinner together one night. 

“Not really much difference between the two, depends on who you ask really. Bisexual is the attraction to multiple genders and pansexual is the attraction to all genders.”

Shelby nods. The gender thing is a little trickier but she saves that for a different day, her head is already spinning. 

“And people just know that they’re gay? Or bi?” 

Dot pauses and looks up at Shelby, trying to figure out the perfect answer. “Some do, some it takes some time to figure that out.”

“Okay.”

“Are you okay?” Dot asks and Shelby can’t bring herself to look at her. 

“I’m fine,” she smiles and returns to her meal, shutting down the conversation. Shame flushes her cheeks because she knows that Dot knows so much more than her, is more progressive and accepting. Shelby still has so much more to learn, to unlearn years of homophobic teachings from her father and the church. “Sorry.”

When Shelby goes home for thanksgiving she tells her father about her courses, how she’s taking one on diversity and she gets a lecture for wasting her time on useless electives. Shelby’s not sure if she believes him, and knows that the elective has been one of the biggest learning curves for her in her education to date. Shelby doesn’t bring it up again, rather shoves it down until she gets back to Minneapolis.

* * *

Christmas break is a welcome relief after weeks of brutal exams. 

They plan a girls night, inviting Nora and her sister Rachel. Fatin supplies fake ID’s for everyone, having seemingly planned this out for weeks. It feels wrong but Shelby goes along with it, she’s almost of legal age anyway so it probably wouldn’t hurt. Besides, she wants to be included in such things with her friends, wants to experience the nightlife, and to celebrate after long hours of studying. 

They go to a bar off campus, just down the street from their apartment. Fatin passes a flask between them and Shelby feels the familiar buzz, welcoming it rather than fighting it. She’s dreading having to go home in a few days and wants to have fun while she can. Shelby lets her hair down and buys herself a drink or two at the bar. 

Rachel and Leah play darts in the back corner for most of the night, Nora watching on and socializing with the few guys that try to strike up a conversation with them. Shelby spends the night dancing with Dot and Fatin, feels the sweat drip down her back, head thrown back and eyes closed. 

“Looks like you have an admirer,” Fatin says, smirking as she juts her chin out in the direction over Shelby’s shoulder. 

Shelby turns slightly, trying not to make it obvious but she sees what Fatin is talking about, and she’s caught the eyes of another woman. Her cheeks burn and Shelby ducks her head, not sure what to say or how to play it off. She’s not mad about it, nor embarrassed. Shelby spins around, trying to calm her beating heart as she continues to dance with Dot. 

The past semester has been more freeing as she has learned about sexuality and gender. Even though she grew up with hate in her heart, she finds that none is left. She likes how Dot views it, to let people do what they gotta do and let them feel however, as long as it’s not hurting anyone. Shelby can’t argue with that logic. The knowledge that another woman finds her attractive is flattering to Shelby. 

“Hey, looks like she’s coming over!” Fatin yells over the music. 

Shelby turns and the woman who has been eyeing her is now standing in front of her. She’s beautiful with dark skin and hazel eyes that are drawing her in. Her gaze flicks down to the other woman’s full lips before drawing back up to meet her gaze. Shelby gulps, a flurry of butterflies in her stomach. 

“Dance?” The other woman questions, holding out her hand. 

It’s as simple as that, Shelby links fingers with her and lets the other woman pull her into her body. Shelby lets out a breath of laughter, trying to fight off the nerves as she feels a hand slide down her back. Fatin wiggles her brows and Dot gives her a goofy thumbs up, and then she’s swept away in the arms of a stranger. 

Shelby never gets the woman’s name nor phone number but she does spend most of the night dancing with her, finding comfort in the soft hand on her hip. When she steps into the cold Minneapolis air with her friends she’s a little disappointed their night is ending. She trails behind everyone as they walk back to their apartment, throwing a look over her shoulder at the bar they just left, knowing that was probably the best night of her life. 

“Alright there, Shelby?” Leah asks, throwing a look over her shoulder. 

“Yeah,” she breathes out, catching up with her roommates. 

Fatin pulls her under her arm, tugging her into her body. “Please tell me you got her number.”

“Uh, no,” she mumbles. Shame flows through her knowing the others saw her dancing with a woman. “It wasn’t like that.”

Shelby feels her stomach fill with dread and embarrassment, her father would be furious to know how she spent her night. She can practically hear him now, telling her what a disappointment she was, how sinful she was, and the shame she has brought to their family. 

If anyone were to ask, she’ll blame it on the alcohol. With her guard lowered and all inhibitions gone, she was left weak and vulnerable. If Shelby were sober she knows she never would have allowed that to happen. She promises herself it’s a mistake and it would never happen again. 

* * *

Her father welcomes her home with open arms, hugging her tightly. He drags her to church and to bible study over the holiday. Shelby doesn’t talk about college nor her friends there. She doesn’t say much of anything, doesn’t know what to say without talking about her life knowing the backlash she would face. The shame is still there in the pit of her stomach, only intensifying when she hears her father preach about living the perfect Christian life and to live a clean life devoted to God. 

The Christmas break is painful and only reminds Shelby of the life she lived before college and how much she has changed. While in Texas, attending church was a huge part of her life but in Minneapolis it’s only a small part. She has found a balance there and enjoys the freedom she experiences away from home. The only saving grace is that she won’t have to make a trip back home until the summer so she puts on a brave face and gives her father the perfect daughter he thinks she is. 

* * *

Before the winter semester starts the girls invite Rachel and Nora over to the apartment and celebrate the New Year. While Rachel can be uptight and Nora a little too quiet, they fit into their group rather seamlessly. Rachel snaps back at Fatin’s snark and Nora challenges them with her quick wit. 

Shelby looks around her group of friends and can’t help but smile, bringing her bottle of beer up to her lips to hide it.

“What’re you smiling at?” Fatin asks, coming up and hip checking her. 

“Nothin’, just how happy I am to have you guys as my friend,” she replies. 

“Awe,” Fatin says, over exaggerated. “Me too.”

It feels like each one of them have shitty family life so they all understand how important each other is. Dot is on her own, never once returning to Texas because there’s nothing left for her there. Fatin has a strained relationship with her parents, especially after outing her father for cheating on her mother. Rachel and Nora are learning to rely more on each other rather than seeing the other as a rival. 

Fatin gives her a quick side hug before moving out of the kitchen. “It’s game time, bitches!”

“What do you advise, camp counsellor?” Dot throws over her shoulder as Shelby rounds the couch to sit down beside her.    


“I suggest an ice breaker one time and y’all never let me live it down,” she remarks. 

“It was one time too many,” Leah laughs, taking a sip of her own drink. 

“Never have I ever?” Nora pipes up from her spot on the ground across from them. “It’s not too competitive for Rachel.”

All heads turn to Rachel and she just shrugs her shoulders and smirks. “Sounds good to me.”

“Last time we played I ended up passing out on the balcony. Truth or Dare, and if you refuse to answer the question or do the dare then you have to drink,” Fatin interjects. 

A murmur of approval sounds around the group. Shelby grabs her second drink of the night, something Dot favours, and settles down on the couch. If she tries hard enough she can hear her parents in the back of her head, full of disappointment but she brushes it off and focuses on her friends. 

“I’ll go first. Fatin, truth or dare?” Shelby initiates. 

Fatin ponders for a second before smirking, “dare.”

“I dare you to eat a spoonful of butter.”

“You freak!” Fatin yells. Still, she downs her drink and gets up, walking into the kitchen. Fatin emerges a few seconds later with a spoon of butter and dramatically puts it in her mouth. Her face screws up which makes everyone laugh. Once swallowed she goes to the nearest person, Shelby, and downs their drink. “Shit, that was disgusting.”

Fatin pours herself a new drink before sitting back down. “Rachel, truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

“Among all the people in this room, who would you date?” 

Rachel pauses and slowly smiles. “Leah,” she says confidently. “What? She’s hiding all sorts of crazy behind those eyes.”

Leah looks like she wants to be offended but she blushes instead, bumping shoulders with Rachel. “I’m flattered.”

“Damn right you should be,” Rachel says. “Dot, truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

“What’s the most valuable thing you’ve stolen?”

Dot throws her head back against the couch thinking. “My dad’s pills? Shit, I don’t know but I got some good money off them.” She pauses and moves on. “Shelby, truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

“Is it true that you’re still a virgin?”

Shelby feels her cheeks flush. She knows out of everyone in that room that she is still, in fact, a virgin. “Yeah.”

Fatin whistles, “really? Good ol’ Andy boy never got some?”

“No,” she replies, finishing off her beer. Shelby gets up and grabs another one, feeling all eyes on her. She’s gotten used to conversations on sex but is still uncomfortable when it comes to her sex life. When she sits back down all eyes are on her. Shelby shrugs. “We took a vow of abstinence.”

They move on, no questions asked because they know of her upbringing and her beliefs. Shelby lets out a sigh of relief and turns her attention on Nora. “Truth or Dare, Nora?”

“Dare.”

“Sing everything for the next ten minutes.”

Nora laughs then begins singing. “Leah, truth or dare?”

Their night progresses with the game, never getting boring. Leah ends up flashing their neighbors in the apartment building across the street. Fatin gives Rachel a lap dance. Shelby takes a shot of tequila, Rachel does pushups until it’s her turn again which doesn’t wear her out. Nora ends up with a face drawn around her belly button with a sharpie. 

Shelby has lost count of how much she has had to drink, feeling more drunk than buzzed. Everything is floaty and pleasant. She rests her head on Dot’s shoulder, smelling her shampoo and is pretty sure she could go to sleep right then in there despite the yelling and laughing around her.

She’s woken up when all eyes fall to her and Dot nudges her knee. “Huh?”

“Truth or dare, sleeping beauty,” Rachel repeats. 

“Dare,” Shelby says, pulling herself upright. 

“I dare you to kiss someone in this room.”

Shelby pauses, can’t bring herself to tear her gaze away from Rachel. “Are you serious?”

“Do you want another shot of tequila?” Rachel raises a brow, challenging her. “A real kiss too, it has to be longer than five seconds.” 

She has never backed down from a fight, doesn’t want to show Rachel how affected she is by the dare. Shelby has never kissed another girl. She was brought up knowing how much of a sinful act was, that the bible clearly states that a man shall not lie with another man and vice versa for females. 

Shelby swallows. “Who?”

“I volunteer as tribute,” Fatin says, looking around Dot who was between the two girls. “What? I’m clearly the best kisser here so it’s only fair that Shelby gets the best.”

“Do I get any say?” She asks, trying to steady her heart beat and play it off like this dare is nothing. 

“No,” Rachel smirks. “Kiss her.”

Shelby nods, standing up and moving in front of Fatin who meets her half way. She lets Fatin take the lead, hands clenched at her side. Fatin puts her hands on Shelby’s shoulders and pulls her in. Shelby slowly closes her eyes when she feels Fatin’s lips on hers, counting to five in her head. When five seconds pass, Shelby tries to pull away but Fatin has her in a steady grip. 

Fatin runs her tongue across Shelby’s bottom lip causing her to gasp which allows the other girl to deepen the kiss. Shelby doesn’t lean into it, rather lets Fatin take control. Eventually, Fatin pulls back, letting Shelby go. Her cheeks flush in embarrassment as she returns to her spot on the couch. Without thinking, Shelby reaches forward and grabs the shot of tequila, downing it. 

“Awe, Shelbs, was it really that bad?” Fatin pouts. 

Shelby doesn’t know how to respond because it really wasn’t that bad, Fatin is a good kisser but she doesn’t want to admit she secretly enjoyed it. Her head is already racing with thoughts, trying to figure out what that kiss meant and why did she enjoy it? Shelby shakes her head, putting up a front to the other girls. “It was okay.”

“I’m hurt,” Fatin mocks, holding a hand up to her heart in offence. 

She tries to laugh it off but her mood is shot. “I think I’m going to head to bed early,” she says, getting up. “G’night, everyone.”

“Shelby, you don’t have to go, it was just a game!” Rachel calls out after her but Shelby shakes it off, suddenly tired. 

“I’m good, see y’all in the morning.”

As she lays in bed that night, feeling more sober than she has all night she can’t stop thinking about that kiss and what it meant. Obviously nothing, she has no feelings for her friend but there was no denying that she enjoyed the kiss. It was quite possible that she enjoyed kissing Fatin more than she ever did kissing Andrew. Her lips were soft and tasted like strawberries, there was no facial hair scratching at her cheeks. 

Shelby rolls over and shoves her face into her pillow, it feels like everything she knows is now in question. Her head hurts from thinking too much and she wills herself to go to sleep, she can worry about everything later when she can think clearly. 

* * *

Shelby finds herself going to church more often. It’s always been her refuge when times got tough and now is no different. She prays more, asking God what to do but her prayers are left unanswered. She’s confused and withdraws herself from her friends, an uncharacteristic move for her. 

She goes through everything she knows and was taught first. 

God created man and woman in his image and they create his image on earth. Marriage is strictly between man and woman, to complete God’s design and will. Homosexuality is a sin and will only end up in hell, demolished by God himself. The act of same sex attraction and relationships is unnatural and goes against the human experience. It’s wrong, period. 

She can’t be gay. 

Not only for the reason that it is wrong and sinful but that her father would disown her, would threaten to send her to conversion therapy, or worse. Shelby loves her family and all the sacrifices her parents have made to give her the perfect life, to want for nothing. It feels wrong to go against them now. 

It’s with these thoughts swirling around her head that she finds herself still seated much after the church service has ended. She can’t bring herself to leave, to move from her spot in the back pew, her gaze fixed on the altar where Pastor Ryan was standing during his sermon. She tries to take deep breaths to calm her racing thoughts, fighting back tears. She doesn’t want to disappoint anyone, her parents or God. 

“Shelby, you’re still here.”

She looks up and sees Pastor Ryan standing at the end of her pew, she looks up at him startled. “Yeah, there’s a few things I’m trying to sort out and I do my best thinking here. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Not at all,” the older man smiles and it seems to calm a sliver of her anxiety. “Maybe I can help?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Take as long as you need,” he says, beginning to walk away. 

“Why does God hate gay people?” She blurts out and then curses herself. “No, wait, I mean…”

Pastor Ryan turns around and she was expecting a look of disgust or anger but there’s only softness in his eyes and kindness on his face. “I think I know what you meant.” 

Shelby ducks her head, not able to meet his eyes, can’t look at him as she comes to the truths she has tried so hard to deny all these years. “I’m sorry.” 

“It’s quite alright,” he says quietly, coming to sit down in the pew beside her. He keeps his distance. “You’re not the first person to ask me such a question.”

“I grew up being taught how sinful it was to be gay but I’m learning that God wouldn’t hate his creations like that. Being gay or straight isn’t a choice like we’re told it is and I know to think that is wrong but I’m starting to think everything I’ve been told is a lie.” She can’t lift her head to meet his gaze, instead staring down at her painted nails, fingers twisting in her lap. 

“Many people believe different things and teach different things,” Pastor Ryan tells her. “Do you want to know what I believe?”

Shelby nods. 

“What people have told you is a fear tactic, they're scared. My God, the one I pray to every night, loves all his children equally. He made us in his image, as uniquely as that is. Being gay or straight or anything in between is as natural as breathing. The bible has been translated so many times over and we have evolved as human beings and a society that our thoughts and beliefs must evolve too.”

Pastor Ryan reaches out and places a hand on her arm to stop her from fidgeting, she looks up meeting his gaze. “I don’t know what you’re going through but I hope you remember that God loves you no matter what..”

“Thank you,” Shelby whispers, reaching up and wiping a tear away. 

Her feelings haven’t magically resolved. She still feels torn, after years of internalized homophobia programmed into her through her family and society. She tries to believe that what Pastor Ryan has told her is the truth, wants to believe it more than anything. How can something that feels so right and settles a part of her that she’s tried so hard to fight be wrong?

Shelby takes it day by day, allows herself to discover who this new version of herself is. 

* * *

It begins with acceptance. 

She says it out loud when she’s home alone. Shelby Goodkind is gay. She laughs until she cries when she first says it. It feels so freeing that she can’t stop saying it. She feels lighter somehow, happier than she has ever felt. It’s quite possible that Shelby is becoming the person she’s always wanted to be, her true self that wasn’t in any way influenced by her parents or beliefs.

Now that she has realized she’s gay and come to terms with it, she wants to be open and free. She has spent so long hiding who she really is that there is no denying this new side of her. Shelby wants to be out, to never have to step foot back inside that suffocating closet again. 

It’s one girls night, just the four roommates enjoying a night of drinking. Shelby has been nursing the same beer for the whole night, wanting desperately to down it and bottle up her nerves. She knows her friends will love her no matter what but it’s still the whole thing of saying the words aloud in front of other people. 

Shelby takes a deep breath and stands up, three sets of eyes on her. “I’m gay.”

“Yeah, no shit,” Fatin says and Shelby can’t help but laugh, relief flooding her. 

Leah springs up from her seat first to hug Shelby, then Dot and Fatin wrap her up in tight hugs. Dot whispers how proud she is in her ear and Shelby didn’t want to cry but that sends her over the edge. She quickly wipes the tears away, unable to contain her smile. 

“It was totally my kiss, wasn’t it,” Fatin smirks, wiggling her brows. 

Dot punches her, “shut up.”

Shelby blushes, but it’s Leah who speaks up. “We’re really happy for you, Shelby.”

“Thanks, I love you guys.”

“Yeah, yeah, we love you too. Now can we start drinking to celebrate?” Fatin asks, holding her drink up like she’s ready to finish it off. 

“Fuck yes,” Dot says. “Cheers to Shelby for finally figuring her shit out!” 

They all laugh and cheers, throwing back their drinks. Shelby doesn’t remember a time she’s felt a love like this, with the feeling of acceptance and love her friends have engulfed her in. She can’t contain her smile and spends the rest of the evening celebrating with her friends, never wanting to come down from this high.


	2. part two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all so much for the love on the first chapter, really hope you enjoy this one even more. now, enter toni.

Shelby doesn’t go home that summer. Instead, she takes a few extra classes and stays in the apartment. Everyone else is staying because they have nowhere better to go, really neither does she. Her parents are disappointed in her but she knows she’s doing the best thing for herself and her education, by now Minneapolis feels more like home than Texas. 

She meets Martha Blackburn in one of her summer courses. 

By the third week they’re separated into groups for a project and she’s always excelled in groups. She sees the way Martha hangs back in their group of five, a little quieter than the others. Shelby doesn’t say anything, tries to pull her into the group by prompting her for ideas. 

Martha gives her a small smile when they’re dismissed, the group making plans to meet up outside of class. Shelby waits for Marth to collect her things. “Coffee?” Shelby offers, nodding over her shoulder to the coffee cart down the hall. 

“Sure!” 

Shelby learns that Martha is indigenous and taking summer courses for a double major, one in indiginous studies and the other in literature. Shelby has just declared journalism as her major so she’s catching up on English courses during the summer, much like Martha. The other girl is from Minnesota and has no qualms about going to school so close to home. 

The two also happen to share their creative writing course and make plans to sit together. College was an interesting place. It felt like it was harder to make friends even if Shelby has been known as a social butterfly, especially in high school. In college, you had classes with different people, some classes over a hundred people. She has her core group of friends but that included her roommates, all of whom had different majors than her. 

“So, Texas?” Martha asks as they sit down across from each other, coffees in hand. 

“That obvious?” Shelby jokes, her southern twang evident amongst the Midwest. 

Martha laughs, “just a little. So what’s it like?”

Shelby shrugs, doesn’t really know how to explain it. “It’s Texas. I think the most important things are football, church, and pageants.”

“Cheerleader or pageant girl?” 

“Pageant girl,” Shelby replies, blushing slightly. She hasn’t felt like that girl in a long time, though. “What about you? What did you do for fun in Minnesota?”   


Martha seems more uncomfortable than Shelby talking about her past. “I used to dance but not so much anymore.”

Shelby feels like there is possibly more to it but she lets it go, she doesn’t like talking about her past either. “Why UMN?”

“My best friend got a full ride scholarship here and I may have followed her. It was cheaper than an out of state school, plus I can drive home on weekends. My parents only live a few hours away,” Martha answers, her face lighting up. “What about you?”

“Farthest I could get away from home with a school good enough for my father to approve of. I came here with my boyfriend but that never worked out.”

She’s really not jealous of Martha for being so close to home or having a great relationship with her parents. It’s just a fact in Shelby’s life that as she has gotten older, distanced herself from her parents as she has grown stronger and more independent. It’s refreshing in a way to no longer rely on them as much. She has found her family in her friends and that’s enough for Shelby. 

Martha seems to understand and they move onto safer topics, their courses and professors. Before breaking off after coffees were finished they trade phone numbers and Shelby promises to invite her over when they have their next girls night, even inviting Martha’s best friend along. She waves goodbye to Martha, happy to have made a new friend during a summer where she should have been miserable at home. 

* * *

Junior year arrives quietly and without any fanfare. No one is returning after a summer away and she knows that apartment feels more like home than any one of them can describe. Each of them have settled into their roles and studies. Fatin has taken a liking to photography and working her way through an art degree. Dot is still undeclared as she tries a little bit of everything, leaning more towards criminal justice while Leah has declared classical literature. 

Shelby joins the school newspaper as she falls even more in love with journalism. 

It only took one course for her to find a new love in writing and the field of journalism but the summer courses she had taken only cement the fact. She gets to know Martha and they become quick friends, both enduring the stress of summer courses and facing a lack of summer as they study, write papers, and deal with frustrating group projects. 

Shelby can’t remember a time she was this happy. 

It certainly wasn’t in high school, nor previous summers spent at home with family, or even any past christmas vacations. It feels like she’s finally free as she slowly begins to be more comfortable being gay and proud, working up the courage to come out to more and more people. It’s still a work in progress but Shelby is finding it hard to hide who she is. 

It's remarkable that once she shows kindness and acceptance to herself how much it opens her heart to finally be happy with God and the world around her. She is still rediscovering her relationship with God, but she makes sure to pray and attend services every Sunday. Pastor Ryan has been an incredible resource and reliable shoulder to lean on when she comes out to him.

Still, no matter how well things are going in her life, they still manage to even out. 

Things take a turn when she’s assigned to the female basketball team for an assignment. She tries to tell Josh, the editor, that she wasn’t a sports person and would prefer to cover more of the political side of campus but it falls on deaf ears. Shelby doesn’t let it phase her, instead walks into the gym at the tail end of practice and takes a seat on the bleachers. 

Basketball was never a huge sport in Texas, she grew up on the Dallas Cowboys and the Texas Longhorns. She suspects that women’s basketball is unfairly overshadowed by the men’s team but it is still a division one program. The season hasn’t begun yet but the school paper wants to do an article on the upcoming season. 

Shelby watches the remaining few minutes of practice and waits till a majority of the team has filed out of the gym before she approaches the assistant coach. She has a sound bite from the head coach but needs more supplemental quotes to fill out her article. It’s a little intimidating interviewing the assistant coach as she still gets used to the whole journalist thing. 

Still, she puts on her best pageant smile and gets all the information she needs before the coach has to duck out and deal with something. Shelby takes a look around the gym, holding her notepad up to her chest, and finds one remaining girl from the team shooting from the free throw line. Shelby takes a chance and approaches her, hoping for something extra. 

The girl is a little shorter than Shelby but as she makes almost every shot it’s clear that she has talent. Her hair is falling out of it’s ponytail in a mess of waves. Shelby slowly approaches her, coming up to stand off to the side and clears her throat. The girl ignores her, instead shooting another ball from the line. 

“Excuse me?” Shelby calls out. 

“Yeah, no thanks, I’m good,” she says, never once taking her eyes off her target. Shelby tries to find something to say but is beaten to it when the girl turns around, fire in her dark eyes. “You can go now.”

Shelby gapes at her, never once meeting someone so straightforward and rude. She turns on her heel and tries not to look back as she feels holes being burned into the back of her head. It doesn’t bother her, she has everything she needs for her article. Maybe once she writes this piece she can move onto other things. 

* * *

Of course her editor is out to get her, assigning Shelby to the home opener of the women’s basketball team. It’s almost enjoyable because it’s like a continuation of her last piece and she gets to attend the game for free. It’s a whole different atmosphere from college football, a little more downplayed but there’s just as much excitement. 

Shelby takes a spot near the front so she can get good photographs throughout the game. It should bother her more that one of the photographers isn’t accompanying her but they’re apparently busy with conflicting school athletics. She gets herself set up, notepad on her lap and her camera beside her when she feels someone pass her and sit down beside her. 

She looks up and sees that it’s Martha and Shelby just feels relieved more than anything. “Hey! I didn’t know you’d be here tonight,” the other girl says. 

“Josh thought it was best if I stuck with the basketball articles,” Shelby explains, holding up her notebook. Her editor is good at his job, she just wishes that she got better opportunities. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m here for Toni,” she says, pointing out a girl on the court warming up. 

The girl across the court turns, dark hair flying, and smiles at Martha. It’s the same girl from the practice that shut her down for a comment. Shelby is a little surprised by the fact that they’re friends, especially when Martha is so friendly and warm and that girl was clearly not any of those things. 

“Her?”

Martha laughs, “you know Toni?”

Shelby shakes her head. “Not really, she shot me down when I tried to ask her for a comment. She’s...intense.”

“Just a little,” Martha says, her smile only growing as she watches her friend taking some warm up shots. 

The game begins and Shelby couldn’t help but ask Martha about what was going on. There were fouls and free throws, and when Toni got her fourth foul in the third quarter she heard Martha curse under her breath. Shelby wasn’t sure what that meant but found out only minutes later when Toni was storming off the court, apparently fouled out of the game after her fifth foul. 

“Dammnit, Toni,” Martha says quietly, looking over to where Toni had exited and back to the head coach. 

“I guess that’s not supposed to happen?” Shelby questions, looking beside her at Martha. 

The other girl just shakes her head. “No. I’ll be right back.”

Shelby watches Martha sneak off to the side and through the tunnel Toni just walked through. She writes down a few notes, more of the rules rather than the ejection in the game. A loud cheer erupts from around her and Shelby catches the tail end of a three point shot for their team, tying up the game. 

Martha returns moments later, frowning as she sits back down beside Shelby in a huff. Shelby wants to ask what happened but another cheer erupts, echoing around them. Things take a turn for the worse in the last thirty seconds. It seems to drag out the game, stretching out seconds into minutes with final time outs and free throws. UMN ends up losing by two points, a three pointer falling short for their team. 

“Toni’s going to be pissed,” Martha murmurs under her breath. “They almost had that one.”

Shelby snaps a few photos, the team looking dejected as they all leave the court. “They’ll get them next time?” 

Martha gives her a small smile. “Hopefully. I’m going to wait for Toni to come out.”

“I’ll wait with you.”

“She might be a while.”

“I have nowhere else to be,” Shelby says, putting her camera and notebook away. “So Toni is the best friend you followed here?”

“Yeah.” Martha’s smile is the brightest Shelby has ever seen. “In highschool everyone thought we were dating but Toni’s like my sister. I know she seems really intense but she’s had a rough childhood and it takes a while for her to warm up to people. She still thinks everyone is out to get her. Still, I couldn’t imagine my life without her.”

“That’s really sweet.”

Shelby has never had a friend who she has been that close with. She had Becca but they had grown apart before they both left for college and once Shelby returned home the first few times it was never the same. Her roommates are her best friends most of the time, aside from when they bicker but that’s all from living in close quarters. She hopes one day that their little group will feel more like sisters than friends. 

It seems like Martha wants to add more but she’s cut off when a door slams in the distance and moments later Toni is storming across the court. “That doesn’t look good,” Martha says, standing up. 

Shelby follows suit, sliding her backpack onto her shoulders. It looks like Martha is bracing for a storm, back straight and lips pursed. Shelby knows Toni is intense, has seen it in her during the game, but the look she’s wearing now is throwing off serial killer vibes. 

“That was fucked,” Toni says as soon as she stops in front of Marth and Shelby. “Seriously? That last call was bullshit!”

Shelby is a little shocked to see so much anger roll off one person so fiercely but there it was in front of her in the form of Toni Shalifoe. She watches Martha lay a comforting hand on the other girls arm and Toni visibly deflates the tiniest bit. 

“You played really well, Toni,” Martha tells her, pulling Toni into her side. 

“Yeah, by far the best player out there,” Shelby adds. 

Toni throws her a dirty look, like Shelby was intruding on a private moment. “What’s she doing here?” Toni asks Martha, nodding her head at Shelby. 

“I’m covering the game for a paper and ran into Martha, thought I’d keep her company,” Shelby explains, trying to stand her ground with kindness instead of animosity. 

“Look, Marty, can we just get out of here?” Toni asks, clearly exasperated. She seems less tense and angry, more so exhausted. Toni slips out from under Martha’s grip and heads out towards the main doors of the gymnasium. 

“I’m sorry, Shelby,” Martha apologizes. 

Shelby waves her off, “don’t even worry about it. Text me when you get home.”

“You too,” she says and follows her friend out. 

Shelby watches them disappear from view and tries not to be disheartened by the interaction. She knows it was a stressful game and tries not to blame Toni for her behaviour but it still stung. Martha was becoming one of her close friends and she didn’t know what she would do if Toni were to come between them. 

Shelby pushes the thought away, grabbing her phone from her back pocket and texting the group chat, asking if any of her roommates were up for some ice cream. She really needed it after her second failed run in with Toni. 

* * *

Fatin celebrates almost every single holiday and Halloween is no different this year. Everyone's a little stressed because with junior year comes harder course work and more studying, but with midterms over it's the best time to unwind. Surprisingly, it’s unanimous between the four girls to have people over, sending invites to a few friends. 

Shelby invites Martha and extends the invite to Toni. It would be no surprise if Martha showed up alone but Shelby knows that Martha would get along great with the other girls. This would be the first time that Martha is meeting Fatin, Dot, and Leah though she has told the other girls about her new friend. 

Halloween night brings a packed apartment, unsurprising to no one that Fatin invited quite a few people. Dot and Leah invited friends from their programs, a few of which Shelby has met before. Rachel and Nora show up early, drinks in hand. Fatin buys a keg and leaves it for Dot to tap. 

Shelby lets Fatin make her a drink which ends up being on the stronger side, the taste of vodka strong on her tongue. She feels her insides warm up before anyone arrives, struggling slightly as she zips up her costume. It’s an aviator jumpsuit, complete with aviator sunglasses perched on top of her head. The costume hugs her curves in all the right way causing Fatin wolf whistles when she emerges from her room. 

“Trying to pick up any girls tonight with that outfit, Shelbs?” Fatin asks, eyeing her up and down appreciatively. 

Shelby blushes, pushing her hair over her shoulder nervously. “We’ll see.”

It’s still new to her to be out and proud. A few girls have caught her eye and it’s an adjustment for her to feel like she’s finally allowed to acknowledge her attraction. It’s twenty years worth of internalized homophobia to work through but she’s proudly making progress. It’s an improvement to even think about flirting with any girls at a party, or to dance with them without the fear or regret. 

Shelby is actually looking forward to the party and it’s not the alcohol talking. 

Fatin fills her drink again but Shelby passes it off to Dot, wanting to avoid the hangover the following day. More people begin to filter in and the music is turned up so Shelby joins Leah on the makeshift dance floor. Leah laughs when Rachel joins in, pulling Nora along with her, and Shelby doesn’t think she’s seen either twin let loose like this before, it’s nice. 

The door opens and it catches Shelby’s eye as two brunette’s walk in, one with a familiar scowl. Shelby extracts herself from Leah and squeezes her way through the small crowd on the dance floor, enveloping Martha in a tight hug. 

“You made it!” Shelby yells over the music. She pulls back and looks between Martha and Toni. “Hey,” she says to Toni. 

“Yeah, this one took some convincing but we had nothing better to do,” Martha explains, smiling up brightly at Shelby. “I like your costume!”

“Thanks! Not as cute as yours though.”

Martha looks down at her own costume, a plain green tee and black pants with frog eye headband on her head. “It was a little last minute,” Martha says, ducking her head.

“I’m happy you’re here. Come on in and let me introduce you to everyone one and get you a drink.” Shelby pulls them further into the apartment and introduces them to the girls before grabbing them a drink. . 

“What would you like?” She asks as they enter the kitchen, stopping at the keg. 

Martha looks over at Toni, seemingly communicating wordlessly. “Just a beer, thanks.”

“And for Toni?” Shelby asks, looking at Toni. 

“Beer's good,” she replies, less enthusiastic like she would rather be anywhere else. 

Shelby pumps the keg and pours out three cups for each of them. “Wow, surprised pageant princess is drinking a beer,” Toni mutters, receiving an elbow to the side from Martha. 

“Not much of a pageant princess anymore,” Shelby replies, brushing the snarky comment off, knowing Martha must have told Toni about her history as a pageant girl. She takes a long pull from her own beer. “Dance?”

Toni glares at her, “does it look like I want to dance?”

Shelby looks the girl up and down, taking in her costume which doesn’t seem to be much of anything, a baggy shirt and skinny jeans. Shelby isn’t sure what she has done to get on Toni’s bad side, she barely knows the girl, but she lets the passive aggressive comment go. 

“Actually,” Martha says, looking between Shelby and Toni. “I kinda wanna dance with Shelby.”

Toni huffs and turns on her heel, leaving the kitchen and the two of them behind. Martha grins up at Shelby, ignoring her friend, so she pulls Martha to where everyone else is dancing. It’s a little awkward with a cup of beer in their hands but Shelby downs hers and places the cup on a side table with Martha doing the same. 

“Don’t mind Toni, she’s not in the best of moods lately, she broke up with her girlfriend and then everything with her suspension,” Martha explains, shouting over the music. 

“What suspension?” Shelby questions, ignoring the first part about the breakup and more concerned with the suspension. She recently changed assignments for the paper so she’s been out of the loop of women’s basketball. 

“Her midterm grades came back below the cutoff, she has to make up a few assignments before she can play any games,” Martha tells her. “It’s been a tough week for her, I’m sorry.”

Shelby gives Martha her brightest smile, “don’t worry about it, just enjoy tonight.”

They dance for what feels like forever, the music loud and bass thumping through the crowded living room. It grows hot from all the bodies in the close proximity and Shelby needs a second to take a breather. She pulls Martha off the dancefloor and towards the kitchen table where a game of beer pong is being played. 

“I’m not very good,” Martha says when Shelby calls to play the winners. 

“Don’t worry, neither am I.”

The two only end up making one game, losing said game before they’re kicked off the table. Martha lights up when she sees a game of Uno being played across the room, practically dragging Shelby over to the couches. Toni is already there dealing out the cards and wordlessly deals in Martha and Shelby. 

Nora had separated from Rachel and was playing with them, along with one of Rachel's diving teammates, Justin. Toni explains the drinking game they’ve created to go along with the cards. Every draw two card you have to take a drink and every draw four you have to chug. Shelby wordlessly retrieves a beer for herself and water for Martha. 

They play a round and Shelby is forced to chug her beer. Nora finishes hers off with how many draw two cards she got. Martha sips her water, getting refills for everyone when needed because she’s the designated driver. Toni drinks even when she doesn’t have a draw two and downing her cup in triumph when she wins. 

Toni’s eyes are a little glassy so Martha makes her drink water the next round. Shelby decides on one more beer before switching over to water for the night, Nora on the same page. Justin doesn’t seem phased after chugging two beers back to back and goes for a third. Shelby is slightly jealous of his high tolerance, feeling her own buzz begin to set in. 

Shelby is having fun, sipping on her beer and enjoying her surroundings. Martha and Nora are joking around, Shelby joining in laughing when Martha drops another draw two card on Nora for the third round in a row. Nora takes a drink wordlessly and her turn is skipped. 

Toni drops a draw four, “drink up, pageant princess.”

Shelby swallows the bitterness in the back of her throat. She tips her head back, never once taking her eyes off Toni and downs the rest of her beer. 

“Careful, don’t wanna lose your crown,” Toni says bitterly. 

“I’m sorry but do you have a problem?” Shelby asks, tired of the passive aggressive comments. 

“Yeah, I do!” Toni snaps. 

“Toni,” Martha warns from across the circle. “Don’t.”

“You’re seriously defending her, Marty?” 

“Shelby is my friend, I-” Martha tries but Toni is already standing up and stomping away from the group. 

Shelby gets up and follows after her, not liking the way she was talking to Martha. She follows the other girl out the front door and down the front steps into the cool night air. Toni has stopped a few feet away, head thrown back and eyes squeezed shut. It looks like she wants to yell out of frustration but instead balls up her fists and turns, glaring at Shelby. 

“What’s your problem with me?” Shelby demands, taking a step forward towards Toni. 

Toni lets out a bitter laugh. “Everything.”

“Why?” she challenges, taking another step to close the distance between her and Toni. 

“Because you have Martha wrapped around your finger, she thinks you’re so great but I know girls like you!”

Shelby grinds her teeth, “girls like me?”

“Yeah, girls like you,” Toni says, standing her ground as she waves up and down at Shelby. “Pageant queen, not a hair out of place, the perfect picture of Christianity with that cross around your neck. You act like you’re better than everyone else just because you’re pretty and can get people to do what you want! It’s really the southern charm that hides the homophobia and racism for me.”

Anger rises in her chest at hearing what Toni thinks of her. Shelby is far from perfect. Far from the perfect Christian girl who grew up in Texas competing in pageants. She hates that Toni sees that version of her, a person who she isn’t any more, not since she’s moved to Minneapolis. 

“You don’t know me.”

Toni rolls her eyes, lifting her chin as she closes the gap between her and Shelby. “I think I do.”

They’re practically nose to nose now, Shelby tilting her head just slightly to look Toni in the eyes. She feels her chest heaving, feels the rage bubble over and she takes it out on Toni. Shelby briefly glances down at Toni’s lips, sees her tongue slide over her bottom lip and that’s all it takes. 

Shelby reaches around, grabbing Toni’s neck and pulls her in as she captures her lips in a searing kiss. Toni’s lips are soft and pliable under hers and she can feel the moment Toni leans into the kiss, relaxing under her. Toni’s hand wraps around Shelby’s waist, pulling her body close so their hips are touching. Shelby runs her tongue along Toni’s lips lightly, a small gasp escaping, and Shelby deepens the kiss. 

A loud bang echoes through the night air and both girls break apart. “You don’t know me,” Shelby repeats, breathing heavily as she takes a step away from Toni. 

She turns on her heel and walks back to her apartment, leaving Toni in the street. She can hear her name being called but Toni breaks off as Martha walks down the front path, smiling at both Shelby and Toni. 

“Hey, I was looking for you guys,” she says. Her gaze shifts to Toni, confused. “Are you ready to go?”

“Yeah,” Shelby answers for Toni, throwing a look over her shoulder. She gives Martha a quick hug, “get home safe.”

“Thanks, I’ll text you in the morning.”

Shelby squeezes Martha’s hand and steps back inside her apartment. She goes right to where Dot is sitting on the couch, takes her drink from her and downs it. The tequila burns her throat and Dot just stares at her shock. Shelby rests her head on the back rest, staring up at the ceiling as the events of the past few minutes catching up to her. 

“I just kissed Toni,” Shelby says, more to herself than to anyone else. 

Unfortunately, Dot hears her. “Well shit.”

“Yeah.”

* * *

Shelby doesn’t think too much about the kiss with Toni. She tries to ignore it as she texts Martha and finds out Toni is acting weird. There’s a deadline coming up that week for the paper and she has to get Josh her article by the following day plus she has her own assignments taking up any spare time. If she did take a second to think things over she would be horrified that her first reaction to some girl yelling at her about half truths and assumptions was to kiss her. 

Shelby Goodkind is a living cliché. 

In the middle of her writing there’s a soft knock on her door and Dot pokes her head in, “you have a visitor.”

Shelby saves her document and just as she turns the door closes and Toni is standing in her room. She offers her an awkward smile, doesn’t really know what to say to this girl who she kissed the week before. 

“I came to apologize,” Toni says, breaking the silence. “I’m sorry for assuming all those things about you. I don’t really know you but I talked to Marty and I may have jumped to conclusions before actually talking to you. So, I’m sorry.” 

“It’s alright,” Shelby says, but begins to backtrack when she notices the look on Toni’s face, lips screwed up tight like she’s trying not to argue. “I mean it’s not but I think I understand.”

“Look, it’s not you but where you come from.”

Shelby huffs out a dry laugh, “trust me, I know. I had to live in a conservative household and I heard every bad thing about being gay my whole life so I understand. If you had known me three years ago I was exactly all those things you said about me. Not anymore though.”

It’s not easy to admit or think about who she used to be but she knows that’s not her anymore. The past three years came with a lot of introspection and realisation. She refuses to be perceived as that girl just as much as she refuses to be pushed back into the closet. 

Toni smiles, “maybe we can get to know one another?”

“I’d like that.” Shelby feels a jolt run through her, as if her heart was skipping a beat or butterflies coming to life in her stomach. She pushes any feelings down, ignoring any rumblings of attraction for the girl standing across from her. “Friends?” 

“Toni nods, “friends.” 

She watches as Toni takes in her surroundings and at Shelby’s room. It wasn’t much, the walls a plain white colour and there were hardly any pictures of her family hanging around. It was neat and organized, nothing laying around on the floor and her bed made. She wasn’t embarrassed of her room but felt oddly like she was being exposed. 

“Maybe you can come to my next game with Marty?” Toni finally says. 

“I’d like that, but only if you’re playing.”

Toni looks away, biting her lip to keep herself from smiling. “I should be, yeah. Marty’s been helping me study.”

“I’m happy for you. Maybe this time you’ll be able to stay in the whole game?” 

“I’m working on that too,” Toni laughs, shaking her head. “I’ll see you Friday then?”

“See you then.” 

Toni offers one last smile before leaving. Shelby feels her heart rate return to normal as the door closes softly. She didn’t realize she was holding her breath either until she exhales, slumping in her desk chair. 

She never would have believed that Toni Shalifoe was kind and apologetic. Shelby was pretty sure she was in trouble. 

* * *

The game is a close one, ending on a free throw in favour of UMN which falls through the basket effortlessly. Shelby and Martha are up out of their seats cheering for their team. She couldn’t help but watch Toni as she played, eyes following her across the court, even now as she high fives and hugs her teammates. 

Martha and Shelby wait for Toni after the game, hanging around by the snack bar of the stadium. 

“I’m glad you and Toni are okay now,” Martha says after a moment of silence that falls between them. 

Shelby bumps her shoulder with Marthas’. “It was just a misunderstanding.”

“The way she treated you though?”

“Was wrong and she apologized,” Shelby tells her, brushing off any concerns or apologies. “Really, Martha, we’re good now.”

“Okay.” Martha gives her a small smile. 

Shelby tries to ignore the growing feelings for Toni, tries to forget the kiss they shared, but it turns out harder than expected. Especially when Toni walks out of the changeroom with the biggest smile on her face, practically running up to Martha and throwing her arms around the other girl. 

Toni pulls away from Martha a little breathless but still beaming. “Hey, Shelby.”

“Good game, Toni.”

“Thanks. Listen, some of the girls are going out and I wondered if you guys wanted to come?” Toni asks, looking between Martha and Shelby. 

“Is it pizza?” Martha questions, perking up. 

Toni wraps an arm around Martha and tugs her into her side. “Obviously, Marty.” Toni looks over to Shelby, a brow raised. “You in?”

Shelby feels a little uneasy, not sure what going out with Toni and Martha would even look like. They’re best friends and she doesn’t want to be a third wheel. Plus, she’s just starting to get to know Toni, they’ve amended their initial differences, maybe this will move their friendship in the right direction. 

“Sure,” Shelby finally says, wanting to give Toni a chance. 

Martha drives them to a little sports bar off campus, a small group of the team already there with friends. The three of them take a spot at the end, Shelby sitting across from Toni and Martha. She’s heard of the bar as a frequent place that most of the college athletes go to, mostly because they don’t card anyone. 

“Beer?” Toni asks Shelby, holding up a pitcher that was being passed around that table. 

“I’m good, thank you,” she replies, pouring herself a glass of water. “I could kill for some nachos though.”

Martha sighs dramatically. “It’s a tradition we share a pizza.”

Toni laughs, “I think we can have nachos just this one time, Marty.”

When the waitress comes around Shelby makes an order of nachos she can feel Toni’s gaze on her. Though when Shelby turns her attention over to Toni she quickly looks away. Shelby takes a sip of her water wanting to focus on anything other than the girl in front of her. 

“So, how is working for the school paper?” Toni asks, breaking the silence that had lapsed over the three of them. 

“It’s good, a little better now that I’m not writing about sports.”

“Is sports really that bad?” Martha questions. 

Shelby shakes her head, letting out a small laugh. “Sports aren't bad once you get past the athletes with the egos.”

Toni rolls her eyes in mock annoyance. “Definitely not any players I know, it’s always the football team.”

“It’s definitely the football players,” Shelby smirks. “Not at all the current player sitting across from me.”

“If you knew Toni in high school you would have really seen an ego,” Martha says, nudging Toni with her elbow. 

Shelby raises a brow, “oh, really?”

“Contrary to popular belief I’ve become a lot more humble in recent years. Probably once I got my ass whipped into shape the first week I got here,” Toni explains. “How about you, any extracurriculars in high school?”

“I ran the school Christian youth group and competed in pageants on top of that. I was runner up Miss Texas Queen when I was sixteen,” Shelby says, feeling like she’s ripping open a sore that has recently healed. There’s no malice in Toni’s eyes when she talks about her past. 

“That’s pretty cool,” Martha says. “What was your talent?”

“Singing.”

“Are you any good?” Toni asks. 

Shelby shrugs. “Probably but I don’t do much singing anymore.”

“Why not?” Martha questions, leaning a little forward in her seat to hear over the loud music. 

“I don’t really have much reason to sing anymore now that I’m not competing in pageants,” Shelby explains. She doesn’t miss the youth group or the pageant lifestyle but she does miss singing.

“We should do karaoke one night!” Martha exclaims, looking between Shelby and Toni. 

“The only way I’m getting up on a stage to sing is if I’m drunk. It’s not gonna happen, Marty,” Toni says, trying to sound firm. 

“One day, we’ll get her up on stage,” Martha winks, ignoring the gentle shove from Toni. 

Shelby laughs, “count me in.”

They finish up their nachos and play a game of pool with Toni’s teammates, Kate and Jasmine. Martha watches from the sidelines, cheering on Toni and Shelby. She’s a little rusty but by the second game she manages to pull her weight and they win.

It’s an interesting dynamic with Toni. After everything Toni has said about her Shelby didn’t think she would feel so comfortable around her. Yet here she was post basketball game enjoying a night playing pool with her teammates and friends. It doesn’t do anything to quell her rising crush. 

When it nears midnight and Martha starts yawning Toni suggests they pack it up and head out. Shelby is a little disappointed because they had just won their game of pool and was looking forward to a second round. Still, Shelby says goodbye to a few of the players that she has made friends with and watches as Toni goes around saying goodbye. 

Martha drops her off in front of her apartment, pulling into the spot on the street where Shelby kissed Toni all those weeks ago. They say goodbye and Shelby feels her cheeks heat up when she meets Toni’s gaze through the window. Shelby waves and forces herself inside the apartment. 

When she gets through the front door, disposing of her winter jacket she trudges over to the couch. Shelby sits down beside Leah, relaxing into the plush cushions. Her roommates are still awake, milling about in the living room and adjoining kitchen.

Leah looks up from her book. “Good night?”

“Did you kiss Toni again?” Dot asks, walking out of the kitchen with the biggest smirk on her face. 

“No, I didn’t kiss Toni again.”

“Too bad, she’s kinda hot,” Fatin says. 

“We aren’t talking about this,” Shelby mutters, closing her eyes in exasperation. “I love y’all but I’m not talking about my crush.”

“So it’s a crush now?” Fatin provokes. 

Shelby throws a pillow across the room at Fatin. “Shut up.”

Fatin smirks, making the motion to seal her lips. Apparently it’s evident she has a crush on Toni, despite how hard she was trying to hide it. Still, she could get away with a crush and not act on it. 

* * *

Shelby gets an angry call from her father when she lets him know she won’t be back for thanksgiving. It was expected but she wasn’t expecting the words that came out of his mouth, how ungrateful and selfish she is. The disappointment is evident in his voice and her mother refuses to talk to her afterwards. 

It wasn’t worth the plane ticket nor hassle of travelling for only an extended weekend when she had to be back at school Monday morning. She can understand the frustration because she hasn’t been home since last Christmas but she’s finding it harder and harder to want to go home. 

Leah and Dot decide to have a Harry Potter marathon with Fatin joining in and drinking wine. The apartment is too loud for her to think properly so Shelby decides to take a walk around the neighborhood. She’s not necessarily angry with her parents but more relieved that she doesn’t have to fly home and have to hide who she is. Turns out, once you’re out of the closet it’s really hard to go back in. 

She finds herself wandering through the park, pulling her hat down over her ears and shoves her hands in her pockets. It’s a nice day with a bit of chill in the air but the more that she walks the warmer she becomes. There’s a few kids running through the playground and other people walking their dog. Only one person shoots a basketball around on the tarmac court and Shelby’s pretty sure the lone figure looks familiar. 

Toni has her earbuds in and looks like she’s lost in her own little world as she shoots from the free throw line, chases the ball down, and lines up again. Shelby watches her for a brief second before walking onto the court, catching Toni’s eyes as she grabs the ball and turns. A bright smile appears on her face and Shelby feels her stomach swoop at the sight. 

“Hey!” Shelby says as she gets close. 

“Hey, what’re you doing here?” Toni asks, taking out her earbuds. 

Shelby knows they’re friends now but talking to her without any malice still throws her off. “Just needed to get out and clear my head.”

“Wanna play horse?” Toni holds the ball out to Shelby. “With a twist, you miss and you have to answer a question.”

“Sure,” she replies, taking the ball from Toni. 

Shelby sheds her gloves, shoving them into her pocket so she can grip the ball properly. She lines up on the free throw line, what should be an easy shot but of course the ball bounces off the rim. 

Toni's smile is smug as she sinks the shot. When she returns with the ball, holding it under her hip she asks her question. “What really brought you out to the park to clear your head?”

“I told my parents I wasn’t going home for thanksgiving and they weren’t happy. It was hard to explain that it wasn’t worth the cost or time wasted,” Shelby explains, finding it easier than expected to be honest with Toni. 

“They really got mad at you for that?”

Shelby nods but doesn’t continue. Doesn’t know how to explain her family or her situation and really doesn’t want to get into the real reason why she doesn’t want to go home. Instead, she signals for Toni to take her turn and watches as the other girl moves to the three point line and sinks the shot. 

“I’m really going to regret this game, aren’t I?”

Toni smirks, “probably.”

When it comes to her turn Shelby misses, the ball falling short. She chases after it and bounce passes it to Toni, waiting expectantly for the next question. “Why’d you move to Minnesota for college?”

“It was the farthest I could get from my parents where I had a scholarship already waiting,” Shelby replies and accepts the ball back from Toni realizing she gets to now pick a spot to take a shot from. 

She moves right up to the net and throws the ball up and watches as it falls through the hoop. Shelby cheers, throwing her arms up. Toni rolls her eyes and easily duplicates the shot. Toni moves to the baseline at the edge of the backboard, when she shoots the ball it bounces off the rim. 

Shelby misses on her next turn but Toni takes pity on her and lets her ask a question since she technically missed. “What are you parents like?”

Toni bounces the ball a few times in front of her, when she looks up there’s a hint of sadness on her face. “Uh, my dad didn’t stay around long and my mom was in and out of rehab before she passed away to an overdose. The Blackburns took me in when I was sixteen.”

“Toni, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know.”

“It’s fine, it was a long time ago.” Toni brushes it off and passes the ball to Shelby. 

They ask questions back and forth, a little less serious than what they started off as. Shelby asks about basketball and Toni asks about the paper. Shelby misses more shots than she makes but Toni is a team player and doesn’t let the questions get too one sided. Shelby suspects that Toni wants to get to know her as much as Shelby does her. 

“Wanna grab coffee at that place around the corner?” Toni asks when she notices Shelby blowing on her hands for warmth. 

“Yes, please!” Shelby exclaims, quickly putting on her gloves. 

Toni laughs, “let’s go, Miss Texas.”

Shelby can’t contain her laugh and follows Toni as she begins down the path. “You know, I’m not sure which nickname I hate more.”

Toni raises a brow, “you really don’t like having anything to do with pageants anymore, do you?”

“Not really, I hated that girl and it’s not who I am anymore.”

Thankfully the coffee shop is a few feet away and Shelby holds the door open for Toni. They place their orders and quietly wait for them to be made. Toni gets a coffee black and Shelby indulges in a latte. They take the last spare table by the window. 

“I kinda get it, I wouldn’t want to be reminded of who I was in high school,” Toni finally says, clearly still thinking about what Shelby has just told her. 

Shelby looks up, her smile twisting. “How bad was your high school experience?”

Toni laughs as she shakes her head. “Oh, it was bad. I got suspended a few times for fighting, on and off the basketball court. Almost got expelled one time. I was an angry kid, hated everyone and everything because of my circumstances..”

“What changed?”

“Mrs. Blackburn. She gave me a home and some perspective. I don’t think I would be here today if it wasn’t for her. She’s literally a saint.”

Shelby softens, thinking of a younger version of the woman in front of her. “You’re lucky to have her.”

“I know, and Martha too. She’s been with me through everything.” 

“That must be nice,” Shelby says and she means it. Just because she has no support from her family doesn’t mean she’s bitter about it. She’s genuinely happy Toni has these supports because she deserves it.

Toni nods, taking a sip of her coffee. “It is. What changed for you?”

Her hands wrap around her latte, seeking the warmth that seeps through the cup. “I realized I was gay and everything that I was taught was a lie.”

Shelby feels her heartbeat speed up and she can’t bring herself to look at Toni. She probably already suspected it because Shelby did kiss her on the sidewalk just a few weeks ago but it’s different when you come out and say it to someone you have feelings for. No longer can she hide behind passing as straight, not with Toni. 

“I think I always knew, at least in the back of my head, but my father runs conversion sessions to literally pray away the gay. So high school was more about fitting in and doing what my parents wanted for me,” Shelby explains, finally able to meet Toni’s gaze. 

There’s sympathy evident on her face. “I’m sorry.”

Shelby shrugs, “doesn’t matter now, does it? I moved as far away as I could, broke up with my boyfriend, and finally discovered who I am.”

“I’m happy for you,” Toni says. 

Shelby can’t contain her smile. “Thank you. I’m sure we would have been at each other’s throats if we had met in high school.”

They both laugh at that, Toni agreeing. “I would have hated you.”

“I probably would have deserved it. The things I would say just to make myself believe that I was straight.” She shakes her head, trying to forget because it’s too painful. “But we’re here now.”

“Yeah, and I totally kicked your ass in horse.”

“Because you’re a college basketball player!” Shelby argues. “Maybe next time we’ll start by giving you a handicap.”

“Sure, if there is a next time.”

Shelby raises a brow, “oh, there’s going to be a next time. I need to redeem myself.”

“Bring it.”

* * *

Shelby spends a majority of her time when she’s not in school or studying or working on articles for the school paper at the church volunteering. She helps to organize food and clothing drives, sometimes even delivering hot meals to elderly members of the congregation. The holidays are her favourite part of the year, when thanksgiving flows into Christmas. It’s the busiest time of the year writing papers and studying for her finals and she throws herself into her work. 

It’s a distraction away from her family issues. 

Her father refuses to return her calls, even more so after she told him she wasn’t able to go home for Christmas. At this point, it feels a little like she’s trying to avoid going home so she doesn’t have to come out to her parents. She’s trying to delay the inevitable betrayal and backlash she’ll face when she does tell them she’s gay. Shelby will gladly take the silence. 

The roommates do a Friendsgiving and order take out because none of them can cook a turkey. Shelby barely survives finals week and celebrates by relaxing and helping out at the church. Leah is the only one who goes home for Christmas so her, Fatin, and Dot order Chinese food and watch all of the die hard movies. 

Leah returns shortly after Christmas, just in time for their big new years bash they spent two weeks planning. Shelby is looking forward to the new year, to turning a year older, and gaining more independence as she separates herself further from her parents. Plus, she’s invited Martha and Toni to the party so she’s equally looking forward to ring in the new year with more of her friends. 

Shelby just wants a night to unwind and enjoy herself. 

The evening starts off with Fatin making margaritas before everyone is set to arrive. The four roommates join in the kitchen, margaritas in hand as they cheers to the new year. There was nothing she wanted more than to put the past year behind her and move on to the next. 

Fatin pulls Shelby into her side with one arm and Dot into the other side as she reaches out for Leah. “I really fucking love you guys.” 

“We love you too, Fatin,” Leah says.

“Now can we put the sappiness away and get drunk?” Dot asks, pulling away from Fatin and downing her margarita. 

“I like the sound of that.” Fatin throws her head back and chugs her own drink before making Leah and Shelby follow suit. 

Shelby complies, the last one to finish off her margarita. “Maybe tonight we can keep the shots to a minimum so we’ll all see the countdown this year.”

Fatin frowns, “boo, you suck.” 

“I like the sound of that,” Dot agrees as she grabs a beer from the fridge. Leah shrugs but agrees. 

Before they can begin to argue even further on their tolerances and blackouts someone knocks on the door and people begin filtering in for the party. Shelby remains in the kitchen, sipping on her water and talking to Leah as the music is turned up. She’s not sure how many people will be showing up but it seems like a decent amount from what she can see. 

When Shelby catches sight of Toni through the crowd, Martha following close behind, she’s pretty sure her whole face lights up. Then she realizes where she is and whose she’s with and reels herself back in. Leah tells her she’s cute for her excitement before excusing herself to the dance floor. 

Martha envelopes Shelby in a tight hug which she reciprocates, folding her arms around the other girl. She sees Toni over Martha’s shoulder and gives her a brief smile, trying to keep from blushing. Martha pulls away and sways a little, Shelby reaching out to steady her. 

“She downed a whole bottle of wine before we got here,” Toni explains, throwing an arm around Martha for support. 

“It was good,” Martha says, looking up at Shelby with wide brown eyes. 

“I’m sure it was,” Shelby chuckles. “Let me grab you some water.”

Martha frowns but accepts the water anyway, sipping at it. “I wish this was wine.”

“Drink up and maybe you can have some more wine later,” Toni says. 

They sit at the kitchen table, placing Martha in a chair so she won’t topple over as she finishes off her water. Shelby refills her cup at some point and gets Toni a beer from the fridge which she nurses. Martha keeps them entertained while she sobers up a little. Shelby tells her it will be a long night and she needs to pace herself, Toni agreeing. 

While Martha is in the bathroom, Toni leans her elbows on the table studying Shelby. “I’m wondering, have you ever been drunk?”

Shelby laughs, “of course I have, you do know who I live with right?”

“I know, I’ve just never really seen you drinking before, I thought it’d be against your religion or something.” It’s not meant to be insulting, especially coming from Toni. It’s more inquisitive in nature. 

“Nope, but I’m sure my father would have a heart attack if he were to see me drinking.”

Toni arches her brow, “only more reason for it then.”

“Are you trying to get me drunk?”

“Nah, I just wanna see you loosen up and enjoy yourself,” Toni explains. 

“I am enjoying myself.”

“Looks like it.”

Shelby takes that as a challenge and grabs a bottle of vodka from the kitchen counter and two plastic shot glasses. She pours out two shots, placing one in front of Toni and downing the other. Shelby nods to the remaining shot on the table for Toni to take which she does after a second of consideration. 

It’s still a little surprising to get along so well with Toni when Martha isn’t around. Toni doesn’t show any hostility like she did those first few times they met. Sometimes Shelby expects it from her but the more she gets to know Toni the more she relaxes in her presence, trusting that they’re forming a friendship. 

Martha returns from the bathroom and eyes the bottle of vodka on the table, “you guys did shots without me?”

Toni laughs, shaking her head. “C’mon, Marty, let’s go see if anyone wants to play some beer pong.” 

Shelby watches as Toni chugs the rest of her beer before grabbing a fresh one for her and Martha. They begin to head into the living room where a big group of people are either dancing or mingling and talking. 

Toni looks over her shoulder, “you coming?”

She feels relief at being included, grabbing her drink and following close behind the two. Toni sets up a game of beer pong at the kitchen table, claiming Rachel as her partner because she’s a fellow athlete and competitive. Shelby picks Martha because she pouts when Toni doesn’t pick her. 

Martha and Shelby lose the first round, not even coming close. Toni parades around the table with Rachel, teasing the other two for losing. Martha squares up and demands a rematch but Shelby has to excuse herself from the game. While she has been watching how much she drinks there’s still a buzz building in the back of her head so she bows out and grabs a bottle of water. 

Shelby watches a few rounds of beer pong which turns into flip cup and then just a game of taking shots courtesy of Fatin. She gets coaxed into taking another vodka shot, feeling Toni watch her as she throws her head back and wincing at the burn. They laugh when Martha tries to take a shot but Toni intercepts, placing water in her hand. 

Somehow Shelby gets pulled onto the dance floor, dancing with Fatin and Leah. There are a bunch of people around her and the music is loud in her ears. While she’s not drunk, she is enjoying her evening spent with her friends. 

Fatin pulls her close and Shelby throws her arms around her shoulders. They’ve known each other for over two years and there’s a closeness between roommates, especially when you share a tight space and a bathroom. Shelby’s comfortable with Fatin but that doesn’t translate to any attraction. 

Shelby looks over Fatin’s shoulder and sees Toni leaning against a wall, eyes clearly on her dancing. There’s a look on her face that Shelby can’t quite read but her eyes harden and jaw set. Toni pulls herself upright, turning on her heel and Shelby isn’t thinking straight but she finds herself pulling away from Fatin and chasing after Toni. 

Shelby manages her way through the crowd and catches sight of Toni entering the bathroom. She slips in right after her, closing the door in her wake. Toni is taken by surprise, staring at Shelby with that same look in her eyes. Shelby feels her heart leap into her throat, feeling the tight space close in on the two of them. 

“What are you doing?” Toni questions, stepping back to make space between them. 

Shelby’s not really sure what she’s doing, acting purely on instinct. “You seem upset.”

“Well I’m not.”

“Toni-”

“It’s nothing, okay? Go back out there and have fun with Fatin, go do what you want.”

It dawns on Shelby that Toni was jealous. The dancing wasn’t intimate in any way but she can understand how it looked. Shelby just didn’t think Toni felt any sort of way towards her aside from a friendship that was forming. 

Toni tries to step past Shelby, reaching for the door knob to open it up but Shelby locks the door. When she turns back around, Toni straightens ready for a fight. Shelby breathes out, her gaze falling to Toni’s lips before tracking back up to meet her brown eyes. Her intent is clear as she takes a step forward, closing the distance between them. 

“Are you sure?” Toni asks, giving Shelby an out. 

“I’m sure,” she whispers, closing the distance between them and kissing her. 

Shelby reaches out, framing Toni’s face with her hands and pulling her in as she deepens the kiss. Toni wraps her arms around Shelby’s waist, tugging Shelby into her as Toni falls back into the door. Shelby’s hips pin her to the door and her leg slips between Toni’s causing the other girl to gasp out. 

Shelby drags her lips down Toni’s neck, nipping on her collarbone as her hands roam under her shirt, spread out over her stomach. Toni grinds into Shelby’s leg, grabbing onto Shelby’s hair and tugging her back into her, capturing her lips in a searing kiss. Shelby opens up, feeling her tongue run against Toni’s . She pulls away to take a breath when they’re interrupted with persistent knocking. 

“Hurry up, losers, I need to pee!” Fatin yells, continuing to bang on the door. 

Toni laughs and Shelby drops her forehead down to Toni’s, their noses brushing. 

Both are breathing heavily and it takes everything in Shelby to pull herself away. Toni reaches out and pushes a flyaway hair behind Shelby’s ear. 

“She’s never going to let us live this down, is she?” Toni questions, though they both know the answer. 

“Nope.”

Fatin pounds on the door again, “there are literally four other rooms you can fuck in, now get out!” 

Shelby gives Toni a chaste kiss before unlocking the door. She slips out first and Toni follows right behind, both have their heads down. Fatin glares at them both but as she closes the bathroom door behind her she smirks and gives Shelby a wink. 

“We should get back with the others, it’s almost midnight,” Shelby suggests and Toni agrees. 

It takes everything in her to distance herself from Toni, their fingers brushing as they are pulled in different directions. Toni goes to sit beside Martha on the couch while Shelby gets pulled between Leah and Dot on the floor. The television is on and two minutes out from the ball dropping as Fatin hands out glasses of champaign. 

With the music turned off, Fatin joins them on the floor. The ball drops and as they usher in a new year cheers erupt, everyone drinking their glass of champagne or sharing a kiss. Fatin kisses each of the roommates on the lips, pulling them into a group hug. Shelby peeks up from her spot on the floor to Toni who is hugging Martha.

The party winds down from there, everyone filtering out slowly. Martha and Toni say their goodbye as the music fades to something soft and peaceful. Rachel and Nora head out at the same time, Nora supporting Martha who is heavy on her feet after a little too much to drink. 

Shelby watches as they leave and the front door closes behind them. “Go after her,” Dot says, nudging her. Shelby looks at her confused but Dot is persistent and gives her a light shove. “Go!”

Shelby’s feet carry her out the door and down the front steps. Toni is behind the three other girls, Martha babbling away about something that she can’t hear. Shelby reaches out and tugs at Toni’s hand, spinning her around. She captures Toni’s lips in a kiss. 

“Happy New Year,” Shelby whispers, pulling back slightly. 

Toni smiles, leaning in and kissing her again. “Happy New Year, Shelby.”


	3. part three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who read, liked, commented, and bookmarked this story it really means so much to me! A big shout out to the adhd mario kart playlist which I listened to while writing this to help this bad boy. I hope to continue writing for this ship, I love it so much. Hope y'all enjoy.

“You know I’ve heard this thing about lesbians,” Fatin says, walking into Shelby’s room uninvited and laying down across her bed. 

Shelby is doing her makeup at her desk and sets her mascara wand back in the tube. She turns around in her chair to face Fatin, raising a brow, “And what’s that?”

“That you’ll be moved in together by the second date.”

“You talking about the U-Haul stereotype?” Dot questions, walking into Shelby’s bedroom. 

“U-Haul?” Leah pokes her head into the room, leaning against the door frame. “What does a date have anything to do with a moving company?”

Shelby’s used to this by now. Somehow they always end up congregating in one room or another to talk or cause distractions when someone needs to get work done. She loves her roommates and wouldn’t trade them for the world but right now she’s trying to finish getting ready before having to go pick Toni up for their first date. 

“Lesbians always move in together on the second date,” Fatin explains. 

“I have a lease agreement that I can’t get out of,” Shelby points out. 

Fatin waves her off, “it’ll happen, babe, trust me.”

“Yeah, I don’t think Shelby’s the type to move in with someone after two dates,” Leah reasons, using logic. 

Dot hums, head tilted as she thinks this over. “She could be. Shelby is ass over tits in love with Toni.”

“I am not!” Shelby huffs, glaring up at Dot. “Can I finish getting ready now? Please?”

“In a sec,” Fatin says. Shelby watches as Fatin rifles through her closet and pulls out a wardrobe, skinny jeans with a crop top and jean jacket. “Wear that and you’ll be golden.”

“Thanks, Fatin.”

Shelby watches her roommates file out of her room to allow her to finish getting ready. Their distraction shaves five minutes off her time to get ready so she rushes to finish her make up and slips into the clothes that Fatin picked out. 

Her anxiety is high by the time she’s heading out the door, her friends yelling out to her as she leaves the apartment. Shelby focuses on the road, trying to calm her breathing as she makes her way to Toni and Martha’s place on time. She tries to tell herself this is just another date and there’s no pressure. It doesn’t seem to help. 

By the time she reaches Toni’s apartment, Shelby is a bottom of nerves. She feels a calmness roll over her when she sees Toni walking down the front steps and sliding into the passenger's seat. Martha peeks out from the apartment window, waving down at them. 

“I was going to come up to your door, you know,” Shelby tells her, wanting to do this date thing right. 

“And get the third degree from mom? No way.”

Shelby waves to Martha as she pulls away from the curb. “I could have handled her.”

Toni laughs, “so where are we headed?”

“It’s a surprise.”

Shelby hasn’t had a lot of experiences with first dates, has never taken the initiative to plan one. She tries not to think of this being her first date with another girl but rather her first date with Toni, someone she has feelings for. Her roommates offer suggestions and Shelby scours the internet trying to come up with some place neutral that doesn’t hold a lot of pressure. 

She settles on the outdoor skating rink. 

Half an hour later they’ve got their skates tied up approaching the ice. “I’ve never done this before,” Shelby admits, looking hesitantly at the ice and back at Toni. 

“Neither have I.”

“You grew up in Minnesota!” Shelby exclaims, laughing at the absurdity of the situation. 

Toni shrugs, “and I hate the cold.”

Shelby groans, grabbing Toni’s hand and dragging her back to the bench to take the skates off. “I should have asked, I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright, maybe next time we get someone to teach us first. It was a good idea but how about we grab a hot chocolate and hang out by the campfire?” Toni suggests, nodding over to where a campfire and chairs are set up off to the side. 

“Okay.”

Shelby pays for the hot chocolate, still feeling terrible for ruining their first date, they sit as close as they can get to each other and the fire. She sips at her drink, feeling the warmth of the flames on her face. There’s no reason to be nervous but Shelby can’t help but dig her nails into her palm trying to calm her racing heart. 

Toni reaches out and gently slips her hand into Shelby’s closed grip. “Relax.”

Shelby takes a deep breath. “Sorry, I don’t know why I’m so nervous.”

“First date jitters are normal,” Toni says softly, squeezing her hand. “Plus it’s your first date with another girl.”

“That shouldn’t matter,” Shelby replies, blushing slightly. “I’m still excited to be here with you.”

Toni bumps her shoulder with Shelby’s, smiling at her. “I know, I’m excited too but maybe next time we’ll try bowling or something.”

“I like the sound of that.”

They finish their hot chocolates and Toni leads Shelby through the park. There’s a winding path through bare trees that are lit up with white lights. Most people are out on the outdoor rink so the path is empty besides them and Shelby takes the chance to pull Toni into her, kissing her under the Christmas decorations. 

Toni pulls back, smiling up at Shelby. “What was that for?”

“Just because I can.” 

Shelby kisses her again as she lets Toni to pull her in, warm hands sneaking under her jacket and resting on her back. Shelby cups Toni’s face and deepens the kiss. She’s never been big on public displays of affection, especially with the same sex, but she can’t help but kiss Toni in front of everyone. She’s not ashamed and doesn’t want to hide her relationship. 

There’s an awkward shuffle behind her and Toni pulls away to peek over Shelby’s shoulder where an older couple is trying to get by. Shelby is mortified and tries to apologize but only gets death glares from the other couple as they pass. Toni tugs Shelby out of the way, covering her laugh in Shelby’s jacket. 

“That was hilarious,” Toni says, pulling back and trying to stifle her laughter. 

They continue walking down the path, hand in hand. Shelby comments on the lights and the Christmas decorations that remain hanging from the tree. The snow covers the ground and naked tree limbs making their surroundings picturesque with the white glow of string lights. 

Toni follows her gaze up at the trees and decorations. “I never liked Christmas.”

“Why’s that?” Shelby asks softly.

“I don’t think I ever had a good one until I moved in with the Blackburns. I either spent it alone because my mom was missing or passed out on the couch or spent it with a foster family,” Toni explains.

Shelby doesn’t know what to say because she grew up in a perfect home with a perfect family. “I’m sorry.”

Toni shrugs, “it’s okay now but back then it sucked.”

“What was your favourite holiday?”

“I don’t really have one I guess,” Toni says after thinking about it. “Kinda depressing but that’s growing up in the system.”

Shelby nods, understanding. “I like new years.”

“Yeah?”

“Mhm, it’s the start of a new year and you can just reset and forget about the past,” Shelby explains. “Plus, kissing a pretty girl does help.”

“Agreed.” Toni leans up and kisses Shelby, just a little kiss, and keeps moving with Shelby right beside her. “I never would have expected this but I’m glad it happened.”

“Me too,” Shelby says, bringing their linked hands up and kissing the back of Toni’s hand. “You’re not what I expected when I first met you.”

“Yeah, I tend not to make the best first impression.”

Shelby laughs, “I’ll say so.” 

“I’m sorry.”

Shelby shakes her head, pulling Toni to a halt beside her. “You have nothing to apologize for, not anymore. I like to think you gave me a challenge in the beginning.” She pauses, pulling Toni into her. “Now that I know you, you’re a lot calmer.”

“I don’t want to blame it on being a foster kid but that is part of the reason. I don’t normally let people in to get to know me but you’re different,” Toni tells her, her face soft and vulnerable. “I trust you.”

Shelby doesn’t know what to say because that admission feels like everything to her. Not only because Toni had a difficult past but because she doesn’t give out her trust so easily and she gave it to Shelby. She’s not sure what she’s done to deserve it but Shelby knows she’ll cherish it and do everything in her power to protect that trust. 

She pulls Toni in gently, cupping her cheek and kisses her softly hoping to convey everything she can’t say. Shelby pulls back, “I trust you too.”

They finish the loop around the park, talking about nothing and everything. The cold begins to seep through their jackets and practically run back to the car with freezing fingers and noses. Shelby blasts the heat but with an older car it only blasts out cold air. 

“I hate winter,” she mutters under her breath, shoving her fingers into the air vents. 

Toni laughs, “it’s been three years and you’re still not used to the cold?”

“I will never get used to this weather.”

“Let me warm you up,” Toni says, pulling Shelby across the center console and capturing her lips in a kiss.

Shelby threads her fingers into Toni’s hair, pulling her towards her. The center console prevents them from getting any closer so Toni slides her hand around Shelby's neck to steady them. Toni nips at Shelby’s bottom lip as she pulls back and rests her forehead against Shelby’s.

“I think I like the cold weather a little bit better now,” Shelby remarks, slowly opening her eyes. 

Their noses brush as they pull apart and it takes everything in Shelby not to pull Toni back to continue kissing her. Shelby shifts the car into gear, making their way back home. Toni threads their fingers together once she’s pulled onto the road and Shelby holds on tight, driving with her left hand. If it were up to her this night would never end and she would spend the rest of the evening kissing Toni. 

It dawns on Shelby that they’re both adults and it would be so easy to just invite Toni to stay the night. That might be a step she’s not ready for yet. Shelby drops Toni off, kissing her goodbye and practically shoving Toni out the door because the other girl won’t stop kissing her. She promises to see her the next day and Toni makes her promise to text her when Shelby gets home. 

The moment she enters into her apartment her roommates are waiting up and begin to drill her with questions. Shelby tries to wave them off, a little too exhausted for the third degree. She tries to slip into her bedroom but Fatin complains, begging her to at least spill a little bit of how her night went.

“A lady doesn’t kiss and tell,” Shelby says, teasing them. She can hear an uproar from Dot and Fatin but she closes her door and sinks down into her bed.

Shelby can’t remember the last time she’s felt like this about another person. Certainly not Andrew who she supposedly loved. She feels her stomach fill with butterflies as she realizes her feelings for Toni are more than what she expected. It also calms her because she found someone she can be herself with and still have fun. 

It’s safe to say that Dot was right earlier, Shelby is ass over tits in love with Toni. 

* * *

Shelby doesn’t go home for spring break. 

Communication between her and her parents is strained at best and isn’t getting better so she plans to just stay at college during the break. Martha and Toni go back to Martha’s house during the break so Shelby takes the time to catch up on school work. 

It’s refreshing to use the library and actually find a spot, instead of walking around for ten minutes before giving up. By Wednesday she’s ahead in all her classes, completing assignments and papers out of sheer boredom. She returns to her apartment and curls up on the couch beside Leah and Dot who are binge watch Grey’s Anatomy. 

It’s Friday night when Fatin comes home early from a date and flops into the recliner, staring at the three wrapped up in Grey’s Anatomy. “You guys literally haven’t moved all week.”

Leah waves her off, “leave us alone, it’s educational.”

Shelby has caught bits and pieces of the show because Leah is obsessed. It was a show that Shelby was never allowed to watch growing up, despite all her friends in high school being obsessed with it. Now that she’s older and pays attention, sparing the time to understand, she’s trapped and falls in love with the show. She curls up most nights with Leah on the couch, Dot coming in later, and they watch as Meredith struggles with her feelings towards her mother. 

While it’s not the same, Shelby starts thinking about her own relationship with her parents. 

She loves them despite their faults and failures but finds herself growing further away from them. As she grows older she begins to understand the world around her. She notices how their religious beliefs rule their lives, blinding them from the realities of the world around them. It’s the blatant homophobia and racism that is thickly entrenched into their lives that scares her and prevents her from coming out to them. She desperately wants to show them this life she’s built for herself where she’s happily in a relationship with another girl. Hiding this and refusing to go home is ruining their relationship. 

Really, she should be giving them the benefit of the doubt that they would love her no matter if she were gay or straight but she knows that’s not the truth. She’s seen the conversion sessions where her father tries to pray away the gay, knows the different conversion therapies he recommends sending other gay teens to. Shelby knows in her heart that this will ruin their relationship. 

Still, she feels guilty for pulling away from them. 

The episode ends and Netflix pulls up the black screen asking if they’re still watching. The remote is across the room and no one seems eager to get up so they all sit in silence. Fatin is on her phone, in her own little world, while Leah is resting her head on Dot’s shoulder with her eyes slowly closing. 

“Am I a bad person?” Shelby doesn’t mean to say it, but it’s been on her mind for the past few months. 

Everyone stops what they’re doing and looks over at Shelby like she has grown two heads. “Why would you ask something like that?” Leah questions her. 

“I haven’t been home in over a year,” she replies, simply. If she were a better daughter she would make more of an effort to see her family but she doesn’t. 

“Because your parents are raging homophobes,” Fatin says. “Why would you even want to go back there?”

“They don't know I’m gay yet,” Shelby tries to reason but she realizes it falls short. “I want to be able to tell them.”

Dot squeezes her hand. “You know how they’ll react, don’t you?”

“They could forgive me for my sins, I don’t know for sure if they’ll disown me,” she says. “I just want to have my parents in my life a little longer.”

“Shelby,” Leah whispers. “You really want people like that in your life?”

“They’re my parents.”

Fatin snorts. “They’re shitty parents.” Dot and Leah glare at her but she shrugs it off. “What? I can say that because I have shitty parents who refuse to talk to me.”

“None of us understand what you’re going through but we know you’re not a bad person,” Dot finally says.

“You go to church every Sunday and still manage to volunteer even though you’re working on the school paper and taking a full course load. That’s badass,” Fatin says, sending her a warm smile. 

“You’re probably the best out of all of us,” Leah adds. 

“Fuck your parents, we’re your famliy now and we’ll always have you’re back,” Fatin says.

Shelby lets out a watery laugh, wiping away the tears that begin to form in the corner of her eye. “I love you guys.”

Leah and Dot wrap her up in their arms and Fatin strides across the room to join in the group hug. Shelby has never felt this much love in her life, especially not from her parents. She’s not sure if she believes it yet but she trusts her friends and she’ll keep working towards being a good person. 

“Hey, since you’re standing can you grab the remote?” Dot asks Fatin, pointing to where the remote sits. 

“You suck.” Fatin grabs the remote anyway and settles back into the reclining chair to watch Grey’s Anatomy. 

* * *

Shelby wakes up on Sunday morning with a face full of hair. 

She smiles to herself as she breathes in the citrus smell knowing she’s waking up next to Toni. It’s their first sleepover since becoming a couple and Shelby is pretty sure she can get used to this. Warmth radiates throughout her body and there’s a calmness she’s never experienced before. 

Shelby runs her hand over Toni’s naked hip and across her stomach. She can feel the rise and fall of Toni’s chest and Sheby finds herself matching her breathing. The sun is bright from where it creeps past the curtain, sending a soft glow over the room and her sleeping girlfriend. . 

Toni makes a small noise, nuzzling her face into the pillow. Shelby can’t help but smile, placing a kiss on her shoulder as she watches her girlfriend wake up. Toni wakes up slowly, her eyes fluttering open as she stretches out her limbs, and emitting a yawn. She turns in Shelby’s arm, smiling at her. 

“Good morning,” Toni whispers, reaching over and brushing Shelby’s hair behind her ear. 

Shelby leans in and places a soft kiss to Toni’s nose. She scrunches up her nose and then pulls Shelby down on top of her, capturing her lips in a heated kiss. Shelby laughs against her lips and settles her weight on top of Toni, feeling the heat of her skin as their bodies line up almost perfectly. The kiss turns from frantic to lazy, Shelby dragging her lips across Toni’s cheek, trailing kisses down her neck. 

Toni runs her fingers through Shelby’s hair, gently scraping her nails against her scalp in a way that Shelby loves. She nips her collarbone, the top of her breast, and pauses looking up at Toni with hooded eyes asking if she should continue. 

Shelby feels Toni wiggle beneath her, practically whining as she rolls her hips against Shelby and she gets the hint. Shelby smirks up at her, moving slowly down Toni’s body sucking kisses into her skin as she goes. Toni runs her nails along Shelby’s back when she pauses over her breasts, hovering right where Toni wants her. 

This wasn’t the first time she’s had sex with Toni but the more they spend time together the more Shelby learns the ways to pleasure her girlfriend. Toni is impatient and demanding but Shelby loves to take her time, to push her right to the edge before giving her what she wants and needs. 

Shelby pauses at Toni’s breasts, “tell me what you need.”

Toni groans out of frustration. “To touch me.”

“Where?”

“Here,” Toni says, pulling Shelby’s hand to her nipples. “With your mouth.”

Shelby obliges, moving her mouth over Toni’s nipples, pulling one into her mouth. Her free hand running down the side of Tonoi’s abdomen, settling over her stomach and threatening to go lower. Toni drags one hand through Shelby’s hair, squeezing a handful of locks to keep her in place. Shelby lightly nips at her nipple, the underside of her breast, beginning to move south. 

This was her favourite part. Shelby wants to kiss every part of Toni, dragging her lips and sucking hickeys over her smooth skin. Toni wiggles beneath her as Shelby drives her crazy. She knows what Toni wants but likes drawing it out, to hear her moan and whine beneath her. 

“You’re a fucking tease,” Toni whimpers, staring down her body at Shelby as she hovers between her legs. 

Shelby laughs and then places her mouth right where Toni wants, drawing out a loud groan. Having sex with a woman is new and thrilling. She follows Toni’s guidance, sucking and kissing, placing her fingers exactly how she’s being told. Toni tightens her grip in Shelby’s hair and comes loudly, back bowing off the bed. 

She peeks up at her girlfriend between her legs, Toni’s eyes closed and mouth open as she breathes heavily. Shelby wipes off her mouth, slowly kissing her way back up Toni’s body before settling on the bed beside her. She gently pushes the hair off of Toni’s face, kissing her cheek, the tip of her nose, and settling on her lips. 

“You’re beautiful,” Shelby says between chaste kisses. She gently lays back down, resting her head on Toni’s shoulder.

“You’re getting really good at that,” Toni eventually says, a small smile on her lips as she’s completely relaxed. “Pretty sure you’ve exceeded expectations.”

Shelby laughs, placing a kiss on Toni’s shoulder. She reaches behind her and checks the time on her phone, ruining their morning bubble of bliss. “I have to get going, it’s Sunday.”

Toni reaches out and pulls Shelby into her. “Do you really have to go to church?”

“I’m already living in sin, I think it’s only right to attend church on Sundays,” she replies, rolling over and away from Toni. 

Toni tugs on her hand. “Can’t you stay here all day with me and say a prayer from bed or something? I can make you see Jesus.”

Shelby bursts out laughing, “I’m sure you can but this is important to me.”

“I get it,” Toni relents. 

Shelby climbs back onto the bed, hovering over Toni. “How about a shower before I go and you can make up for that orgasm you owe me.”

Toni moves quickly from bed, practically pulling Shelby along with her. Shelby curses the fact she doesn’t have an adjoining bathroom but they wrap themselves up in towels and tiptoe across the hall to the bathroom Shelby shares with Dot. It’s wet and messy but Toni makes her come in between the shampoo and conditioner, helping her rinse her hair out afterwards. 

The water begins to cool as they stand beneath the spray of water kissing lazily. Shelby doesn’t want to tear herself away but she knows she has to. She easily could have blown off Sunday service to stay in bed with Toni but she’s looking forward to church and catching up with Pastor Ryan. They dry off and Shelby gives Toni clean shorts and a sweater to wear home. Shelby gets dressed up in her church attire, putting on a light layer of makeup. 

Before they leave the safety of Shelby’s room, Toni pulls Shelby into her. “Maybe after church you can come over to my place and we can do some more sinning.”

Shelby kisses her. “I’ll be there.”

When they emerge from Shelby’s room, all three roommates are hanging out in the living room and begin applauding. Fatin yells something filthy but they all look proud and happy. Shelby ducks her head, trying to hide her smile into Toni’s shoulder. Toni gives them the middle finger but can’t contain her smile. 

“C’mon, I’ll drive you home,” Shelby says, tugging Toni out of the apartment and away from her roommates. 

* * *

In January Shelby applies to a few internships that her professors recommend and she doesn’t get any acceptance letters until April. She’s a nervous wreck because if she doesn’t get an internship then she’ll be forced to go back home. At this point her relationship with her parents is so strained that she hasn’t talked to them in months. 

It hurts to be separated from her family because while she has issues with her parents and their teachings, she still loves her siblings. They are under their parents' thumb just as much as she was. They’re getting older and it pains her not to be involved in their lives, to be the big sister she’s always loved being. 

Still, there’s nothing more that she wants than an internship for the summer. So when she gets the emails regarding her application she can’t bring herself to open them. Shelby makes her way over to Toni’s apartment, letting herself in and throwing herself down next to Martha on the couch. 

“What’s up?” Martha asks, closing her text book and placing it aside to give Shelby her full attention. 

“I need to check my emails for my internship applications but I can’t do it,” she says, looking down at the phone in her hand. 

“Toni should be here any minute.”

Shelby shakes her head, “can you do it?”

“Me?”

“Yeah, you’re the calmest and most level headed person I know. I’d rather you tell me my summer is ruined than Toni looking at me with sad eyes trying to make everything better,” Shelby explains, unlocking her phone and pulling up her emails before handing it over to Martha. 

Shelby watches as Martha goes through the emails, slowly opening each one up and while reading them giving nothing away. She sits there nervously biting on her thumb nail watching as Martha scrolls wordlessly. Toni comes home moments later interrupting the reveal. 

“Hey, babe,” Toni says walking into the living room and kissing Shelby over the back of the couch. “What’re you up to?”

“I’m helping Shelby figure out her summer plans.” Martha holds up Shelby’s phone with a grin on her face. 

Toni throws her backpack down and rounds the couch, dropping herself beside Shelby. “So, what’s the verdict?”

“Looks like Shelby got accepted to two internships!” Martha exclaims, passing the phone off to Shelby. 

She scrolls through the emails and finds that she was accepted to her top choice of internships at one of the more prominent Minneapolis papers. Shelby leans back against the couch letting out a sigh of relief, all her anxiety suddenly vanishes. Toni curls up against Shelby’s side, resting her head on Shelby’s shoulder. 

“Proud of you, babe,” she says, kissing her cheek. 

“Thanks,” Shelby replies, squeezing Toni’s hand. She looks over to Martha, “Thank you, Martha for helping me out.”

“No problem, I’m just happy you’ll be staying for the summer! I was thinking maybe we could spend a weekend camping?” Martha asks, looking over Shelby and Toni. 

“Sure, Marty, that actually kinda sounds fun.”

Shelby hums in agreement, “maybe I’ll ask if Fatin, Leah, Rachel, and Nora wanna join.”

“Yes, that sounds perfect!” Martha exclaims. “I love camping.”

“Me too,” Shelby says, drawing both girls to give her similar looks of confusion. 

“Since when?” Toni questions. 

“Since I was little and my dad took me hunting,” Shelby laughs. “I grew up in Texas.”

Martha nods, understanding. “No hunting on this trip though, just camping.”

“And lots of alcohol,” Toni adds. 

“Sure.” Martha rolls her eyes but smiles and completely agrees with her best friend. 

They settle in, the three making plans for the summer that will now be spent together. Martha invites Shelby back to her parents house with Toni for a weekend. Shelby suggests going on hikes in the area and other outdoor activities which Toni begrudgingly agrees to. Martha is excited for the summer to begin and Shelby can’t help but agree.

Once they’ve run out of ideas Martha grabs her textbook and notes. “I gotta get back to studying,” she says, standing up from the couch and heading into her room. 

Toni throws her arm around Shelby’s shoulders and pulls her into her side. “How are you feeling about the internship?”

“I’m excited,” Shelby replies, sounding a little lackluster. 

“But?”

“But I feel a little guilty for not going home.”

Toni kisses her forehead, not quite understanding Shelby’s internal struggle but tries to be supportive anyway. “You know what I would say, don’t you.”

“Yeah, fuck ‘em.” Shelby smiles. It’s her favourite thing about Toni, that she’ll always have Shelby’s back and know the right thing to say to make her feel better. 

“Seriously though, you deserve this internship. Don’t let your parents ruin it for you or try to guilt trip you into going home for the summer.”

“I won’t,” she says and finds that she means it.

Shelby has gotten used to the constant antagonizing way her parents talk to her, the way that they’re always trying to control her from a distance. She moved across the country to get out from under them, she’s not going home to let them control her again. Plus, she’s happy to spend more time with Toni, away from the pressures of school and other commitments. 

“It’s going to be a good summer,” Shelby says, tilting her head slightly and kissing Toni. 

“The best summer!” Martha yells through her open bedroom door causing Toni and Shelby to laugh. 

“You betcha, Martha!”

* * *

The semester comes to a close quietly, her exams are so spread out that Shelby is exhausted by her last final. She has a week off before her internship begins and spends everyday with Toni, knowing that she will most likely be busy once it begins. They alternate apartments, Martha spending most of the time at Shelby’s so she’s not left out. 

Toni gets a job at a basketball camp which occupies her summer days and she often gets home exhausted from being out in the sun and heat. Shelby works a steady nine to five for the internship, rarely having to work late. Very early on in the summer they develop a routine around one another’s schedules and Shelby likes the monotony of it all. 

Toni finishes work earlier in the day and will often go home and shower before picking up Shelby from the office. They’ll go back to one of their apartments, have dinner, and spend the night binge watching a new show. With the constant back and forth they have carved out drawers for each other, Shelby leaving a pair of pajamas and clean clothes at Toni’s and vice versa. 

Shelby sets out a toothbrush for Toni in her bathroom and slowly Toni’s things start to appear out of nowhere. Shelby even begins to feel more comfortable without her retainer, shyly showing Toni her two missing teeth one night before bed. Toni doesn’t laugh like Shelby expected, only pulls her in for a kiss. 

It’s nice, Shelby thinks one night as she’s sprawled across her bed with Toni laying on top of her. Toni is passed out, too exhausted from a hard week working during a heat wave, that Shelby finds herself drifting off while they listen to music. She can faintly hear her roommates move around the apartment, making dinner, laughing, and watching a movie. A warmth settles over Shelby and she falls into a deeper sleep. 

They do everything as a group that summer. Shelby, Toni, Martha, Fatin, Leah, Rachel, and Nora become close friends through all their adventures. They spend some weekends camping, have game nights filled with alcohol, go to baseball games, and take a road trip to Chicago. 

Shelby is pretty sure this is the best summer she’s ever had simply because she has Toni by her side through all their adventures. 

* * *

Senior year begins with a few realizations. 

This is their final year of college and Shelby has to figure out what she will be doing after she graduates. Toni wants to get her masters for physiotherapy and there are only a handful of schools that pique her interest. Shelby is pretty sure she’ll be applying for jobs to begin her career in journalism and she’s not sure where that will lead her or where she’ll end up. 

Their situation doesn’t set in until Shelby is going through her portfolio one night. Toni lounging on Shelby’s bed, half asleep after a grueling basketball practice, watching Shelby as she works. 

“I’m going to miss this,” Toni says absentmindedly.

Shelby pauses what she’s doing, saves her work and turns to face Toni. “Why would you say that?”

“It’s senior year,” Toni replies, as if that isn’t obvious. 

This isn’t high school and there’s no deadline or countdown set for graduation, Shelby knows that senior year means the end of college but not the end of them. “Is this your way of trying to tell me something?”

“No!” Toni pulls herself upright, moving to the end of the bed and reaching out for Shelby, linking their fingers together as Toni pulls Shelby closer. “I was just thinking this is our last year of both of us potentially being in the same place and the same school.”

Shelby drops her head, touching her forehead to Toni’s. “I hate thinking about graduation.”

“I don’t,” Toni says. “I know that whatever happens it’s not going to change who we are or our relationship. Even if we’re on opposite sides of the country, I’m not going anywhere.”

Shelby swallows at the emotion written all over Toni’s face. They haven’t been together a year but she’s pretty sure she loves this woman and can’t imagine her life without her. “I’m not going anywhere either.”

Toni kisses Shelby and pulls back with a smile. “We’ll figure it out.”

“I know.”

Shelby doesn’t know what the next year will bring but she does know that she loves Toni Shalifoe. 

* * *

Toni turns twenty-one right before thanksgiving and Fatin makes them all go out and celebrate. She’s the last one in the group to turn legal drinking age so it’s an unspoken agreement that they go to the bar down the street. Fatin has been dragging everyone there for years with fake IDs so it’s only fitting to go now that they’re all of legal drinking age. 

Shelby picks up Martha and Toni to bring them over to her apartment since it’s within walking distance to the bar. She lets herself in, popping her head into Martha’s room to say hello before finding Toni sprawled out on her bed. Shelby closes the door behind her and crawls into bed, curling herself around Toni. 

She’s always tired after basketball practice and extra cuddly, it’s one of Shelby’s favourite things about her. Shelby drops a kiss to the back of Toni’s neck, the shell of her ear, gently nipping her ear lobe. Toni stirs slowly, stretching her limbs and rolling over to face Shelby. 

“Hey, you,” Toni whispers, blinking away the sleep in her eyes. 

“Hey, happy birthday,” Shelby says, placing a chaste kiss on her girlfriends’ lips. Toni tries to deepen it but Shleby only pulls back. “I have something for you.”

“No, I told you not to get me anything,” Toni groans, rolling onto her back and rubbing her eyes with the back of her hands. 

Shelby tugs Toni, pulling her upright. She reaches down on the ground where she left her purse and pulls out a small envelope. Toni takes it and slowly opens it, reads the card with a heartfelt note, and then notices the tickets. 

“You got me tickets to a Minnesota Lynx game?” Toni asks, looking up at Shelby with wide brown eyes. 

“Yeah, you mentioned you wanted to go so I thought maybe we could go together?” 

Toni reaches out, fingers threading through Shelby’s hair as she pulls her in and kisses her. Shelby smiles into the kiss, pulling back. “So you like it?”

“Babe, I fucking love it!” 

This was the first birthday having a girlfriend and Shelby was a nervous wreck to do it right. She wanted to get Toni a piece of jewelry but knew she would never wear it and it wouldn’t be as sentimental. She had heard in passing how much Toni wished she could go to a WNBA game but never having the time nor the money. Shelby saved up and bought the tickets, along with a night at a hotel for the two of them. 

“Thank you,” Toni says, pulling Shelby into another kiss. 

Before it could go any further Martha knocks on the door. She peeks her head in, looking down at the floor. “Are you ready to go?”

Toni laughs, “Marty, you can look up, we’re dressed.”

“It was one time and one time too many I saw your naked ass,” Martha responds, finally dragging her eyes away from the floor. “Ready?”

“Ready,” Shelby smiles, jumping off the bed and holding her hand out for Toni, she takes it and is pulled out of bed. 

Shelby drives them back to her apartment so they can walk over. Fatin, Dot, and Leah meet them out front, a little unsteady on their feet as they begin to head for the bar. Martha leads the way knowing the other three will only get them lost if in charge. Shelby slides her hand into Toni’s as they follow after them. 

It’s a Friday night but early enough that they’ll get to the bar before it’s crowded so they can get something to eat before drinking. They grab a booth at the back of the bar, meeting Rachel and Nora who have already claimed a table. A pitcher of beer is set in the middle of the table to share and Fatin orders shots of tequila for everyone. 

Fatin raises her shot glass, “Happy Birthday to the baby of the group!”

Toni flashes her the middle finger but smiles nonetheless. Everyone raises their shot glasses, clinking them in the middle of the table, before throwing the shot back. They settle into the booth, sharing countless pitchers of beer and a platter of nachos as they catch up. 

Shelby loses count of the amount of drinks she’s had, trying to keep up with Fatin, Dot, and Toni. Halfway through the night she settles on water as Toni does the same. The group seems to have settled down, Fatin off dancing with a guy and Dot is making money off playing pool against drunk frat guys with Martha. Leah is dancing with Rachel and Nora, leaving Toni and Shelby alone in the booth. 

“Do you wanna dance?” Shelby asks, practically yelling in Toni’s ear. 

Toni looks from Shelby to the dance floor and slowly smiles. “I might be just drunk enough to dance.”

Shelby pulls Toni out onto the dance floor, wrapping her arms tight around her girlfriend. The music is loud and it feels like there are bodies everywhere as they dance. Shelby doesn’t pay any mind as Toni dances with her, such a rare occurrence that she feels like she needs to soak up every second of it. 

Toni draws her close, hands roaming around Shelby’s back and under her shirt, one hand settling on Shelby’s hip and the other sneaks up her back. Shelby wraps her arms around Toni’s neck, drawing her impossibly close, one hand wrapped up in Toni’s ponytail. Toni gasps out when Shelby begins to drag her lips under Toni’s jaw lightly. 

Shelby has never shown such blatant public displays out in the open like this but she can’t get enough of Toni, can’t pull her any closer, and just wants more of her girlfriend. She can feel her heart beat out of her chest, her blood pressure rising, unable to keep her lips off Toni. Shelby draws sucking kisses along Toni’s neck, pulling back and kissing her thoroughly. 

Toni opens up beneath Shelby’s lips, exploring. Shelby is pretty sure it’s the mixture of alcohol and adrenaline is what causes her to make out with her girlfriend so publicly but she can’t bring herself to stop. Toni is dancing with her, her body hot under her hands, and it feels like Shelby can’t get enough. 

They’re pulled apart when someone bumps into them and Shelby pulls back. A frat guy is smirking as he stares Shelby down with glassy eyes, licking his lips. She can feel Toni tense behind her, ready to attack but Shelby feels disgust and anger flow through her at the sight of this guy. She can read his body language and see it in his eyes, he’s only after one thing. 

“Any chance I can get in on this action?” He asks, slurring most of his words. 

“We’re good, thank you,” Shelby says politely, turning away from him so she and Toni can get away from him. 

Just as they begin to move off the dancefloor, Shelby feels a hand around her wrist yanking her back around. The frat guy isn’t smirking anymore but towering over her looking threatening. Shelby doesn’t like the look on his face and before he can manhandle her anymore, Shelby knees him the groin. The frat guy goes down like a pile of bricks. 

Shelby stares at him in shock as he’s writhing on the floor, Toni grabs her and pulls her away as they catch sight of more frat guys coming their way. Shelby follows Toni through the crowd until they’re out of the bar, breathing in the cool fall air. 

Toni is laughing, “what the hell was that?”

“I don’t know, I just didn’t like the way he was looking at me so I kneed him,” Shelby says, trying to make sense of everything that happened in the last five seconds. The adrenaline is slowly wearing off and she’s realizing exactly what she has done. She lets out a little laugh. 

“And usually I’m the hot head.” Toni shakes her head in disbelief. “Fuck, I love you.”

Shelby looks up at Toni stunned. “What?”

“Shit, I didn’t mean to say that.”

“You didn’t?”

Toni turns away from Shelby, running her hand over her face. Shelby pulls at her wrist, turning Toni back around. She looks wrecked, her lips pursed and brown eyes vulnerable. “Of course I did, Shelby.”

“Good.”

“Good?”

Shelby steps into Toni, reaching up to push a stray hair behind Toni’s ear. “I love you too.”

“Thank fuck,” Toni whispers, pulling Shelby into her to kiss her. 

Shelby melts into the kiss, feeling like she couldn’t get any happier. It was a relief to finally admit what she had been holding in for the past few months. She loves Toni more than she thought was possible and more than she can express with words. Toni pulls back, resting her forehead against Shelby’s as they breathe each other in. Shelby is pretty sure Toni is feeling everything that she is in that moment. 

A loud commotion pulls them apart and their friends are falling out of the bar. “Did you punch a guy?” Dot asks, looking a little too excited for her own good. 

Toni pulls Shelby into her side. “Of course my girl kicked some ass.”

Shelby rolls her eyes, “I kneed him in the balls.”

“Badass!” Fatin says, giving Shelby a high five. 

“Lemme get a pic!” Martha shouts, pulling her phone out. She waves the others away when they try to get in the picture. “No, of my favourite couple, not you losers.”

Toni tries to scramble away but Shelby pulls her back in, wrapping her arms around Toni and kissing her on the cheek. Martha takes a few snapshots before getting the others in there for a group selfie. Toni and Shelby are engulfed between their friends and while everyone else is looking at the camera, Shelby can’t take her eyes off Toni. 

“I love you,” she mouths to Toni who leans in and kisses Shelby softly. 

Groans fill the air as the group disengages. “Lovesick teenagers,” Rachel says with mock disgust. 

“I think it’s cute,” Nora notes, smiling softly at Toni and Shelby. 

“Okay, someone needs to lead the way because I have no idea where we’re going!” Dot says, looking around but not able to find the right direction. Fatin is right there beside her pointing the wrong way. Leah steps up and guides them home, Rachel and Nora splitting off when they reach their apartment. 

“I better not hear you fucking!” Fatin says as she walks into her room, door slamming closed. 

“Please, don’t,” Martha adds, taking the couch for the night. 

Shelby says good night to Leah and Dot, practically pulling Toni into her room where they can celebrate Toni’s birthday properly. 

It’s only hours later when Toni rolls over, a goofy smile on her lips, when she says, “best birthday ever.”

Shelby laughs, “I love you now go to sleep.”

* * *

Once she starts saying I love you to Toni she can’t stop. 

In the morning when Shelby wakes up and Toni is sprawled out beside her, Shelby doesn’t bother to put in her retainer as she kisses her girlfriend awake. Toni runs her tongue along the roof of Shelby’s mouth, free of the plastic material, and Shelby is sure her heart bursts. She pulls back, hands framing Tonis’ face and tells her how much she loves her. 

While cooking dinner, Toni comes up behind Shelby while she’s at the stove and begins kissing her neck. Shelby still feels the butterflies in her stomach and has to turn around to get her to stop. Toni looks up at her innocently and Shelby shakes her head, telling Toni she loves her but she needs to make dinner. 

She says it when they go their separate ways in the morning. Toni walks with Shelby on campus, despite their classes being in different buildings. Shelby stops outside the sports medicine building, pulling Toni in close and kissing her. She tells her she loves her and to have a good day before parting ways. 

Toni shows her love in more ways than simply telling Shelby she loves her. She’ll make sure Shelby gets home safe, reminds Shelby to take a breath when she gets worked up over something silly, and makes her feel better when one of her articles from the school paper gets cut. 

Shelby notices the lovestruck smile on Toni’s lips whenever she’s around, often enduring Fatin teasing her. Martha says it’s cute, with Leah agreeing and standing up for the couple. Dot will throw a pillow at them when they’re being too cute. Toni flips them her middle finger when they tell her and Shelby to get a room. 

It’s hard to imagine her life getting any better than in this moment, she’s in love for the first time and she doesn’t care who knows it. 

* * *

It’s right before Christmas break when things go to shit. 

Shelby is in the middle of exams, spending most of her days studying to boost her GPA. She has barely seen Toni due to her own exams and her anxiety mounts with each passing day. It doesn’t help that the roommates are at each other's throats with their own stress, enough so that the apartment feels like a warzone during finals week. 

She spends late nights studying and wakes up early mornings to continue to study before any exams. It just so happens that her alarm doesn’t go off the day of her final and most important exam. Shelby is awoken to loud banging on the front door followed by yelling. 

The time reads early enough that she still can eat breakfast and get an extra hour of studying in before having to take her exam. She rubs away the sleep in her eyes, vaguely recognizing the shouting that is coming from the front door. Shelby gets out of bed slowly, throwing on a sweatshirt and exiting her bedroom. 

Dot meets her just outside her door with wide eyes and shifting her weight, looking at Shelby then back at the door. Fatin and Leah are in the kitchen, the pounding still echoing through the apartment and it finally sets in. No one is answering the door because it’s meant for her. 

Her father has shown up to the apartment. 

Leah looks scared while Fatin and Dot seem like they're ready to fight. “Ignore it,” Dot says, trying to be heard over the shouting outside. 

“I can’t just ignore him.”

“Yes you can.” It’s Leah and she steps into the hallway between Shelby and the door. “You don’t know what he’ll do.”

“He’s my dad,” Shelby tries, her voice coming out weak. They all know what he’s there for. Shelby takes a step toward the door but Fatin intercepts her. 

“You’re not opening the fucking door, Shelby,” Fatin growls. 

They’re at a standstill and all they can do is listen to the fowl things her father is shouting through the door. He calls her all the worst names she can imagine, fists pounding as he tells her she’s an abomination and going to hell. Her heart is in her throat and Shelby desperately tries to hold back her tears, to try and be strong. 

“He’s not going to go away,” she tries, looking anywhere but at her friends. “I have to let him in.”

This was what she was afraid of, what she tried for over a year to avoid. She wishes she told him earlier so it didn’t have to come to this but she was scared and it was just easier to avoid the messy emotions. Now she has to deal with it and get it over with, no matter how much she wants to hide away. 

“How did he find out?” Leah murmurs, as if that was their biggest concern at the moment. 

Shelby looks up at her, confused. She’s not sure how he found out because she had been so careful. No one from her hometown knew she was in a relationship with another girl. Her social media was well crafted and superficial at most.

“Shelby Goodkind, you let me in right now!” Her father demands, his voice cutting through the silence of the apartment. 

She looks up at Fatin, pleading. “I have to do this.”

Fatin looks like she wants to argue but Leah reaches a hand out and pulls Fatin out of the way. “We’ll be right here,” she tells Shelby, stepping away from the front door. 

Shelby takes a deep breath and opens the door, revealing her father. 

“Get your things, you’re coming home with me,” he says, no hesitation as he barges into the apartment. 

Shelby jumps out of the way, in shock as she watches him storm around the apartment. He seems to find her room after pacing through the hall. Shelby follows him, trying to ignore the worrying stares of her friends, closing the door behind her. 

Her father is tearing through her things, emptying her backpack and rifling through the notes on her desk. He pauses when he finds a picture frame, Shelby and Toni’s faces smiling up at him. It was after basketball playoffs last year, Toni sweaty but wrapped her arms around a proud Shelby. It was her favourite picture of them. 

He shoves the frame in her face. “So it's true.”

“Is what true?”

“This!” He waves the frame around. “You’re gay and you have a girlfriend!” The words seem forced out of his mouth, as if he couldn’t imagine his daughter gay and happy. 

“Yes, Daddy,” she replies quietly.

The frame is thrown on the floor, glass crunching under his boots as he continues on his rampage. “Not in my family, not in my church. I’m not letting you be condemned to hell for all eternity over this.”

Her father is breathing heavily, spewing insults under his breath as he begins throwing Shelby’s clothes into a bag. 

Shelby tries to grab his arm, to get him to stop for one second. “Daddy, please.”

“You’re coming home with me and we’ll get this sorted out. We’ll talk to Pastor Adams back at home, get you into a therapy session right away. This was a mistake to let you go to school up here, all sorts of freaks are around and they brainwash you with these ideas!”

Her heart shatters at his words. He wants her to go home and put into conversion therapy, as if who she is can be so easily erased and undone. Shelby has worked so hard to be the best version and true to herself, there is no way she’s going back to that scared little girl. 

“I’m not going anywhere.” Shelby stands her ground but he doesn’t listen. 

Things are being thrown onto the ground, her phone is smashed in the process. He tramples over that picture of her and Toni and she can’t get him to stop for one second. Clothes are torn from her closet and shoved into a duffle bag. Personal items are swept off her dresser, jewelry sent flying. 

Shelby grabs his arm to stop him. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Like hell you are!” He roars, swinging his arm and sending her flying into the door. “You’re still my daughter! I can do whatever I want and I’m going to take you home and put you into therapy to cleanse you of your sins.”

Anger rolls through her at the thought of going home again, a place she has tried so hard to escape from. “Leave!” She yells, having enough of his shit. “Leave or I’ll call the cops for trespassing.”

“I’m not leaving without you. Get your stuff.”

“No!”

Her father stands to his full height, closing the distance so he’s standing over her. “I will not argue with you, Shelby. Get your things we’re going home.”

“I’m not going anywhere with you. This is my home and has been for three years. Those girls out there are my family and love me for who I am. I have a girlfriend who I love and who loves me, I’m not leaving her,” she says, her voice suddenly calm even though her heart is still trying to beat out of her chest. 

“I don’t know who you are anymore,” he says with disgust. 

“I’m your daughter, Daddy.”

“No, you’re not, not anymore,” he says harshly. “No daughter of mine is gay and goes against God like that. It’s disgusting.”

Shelby swallows. “I’m sorry you still believe that.” 

He drops the bag in his hand, his face closed off from any emotions. “I’ll tell your mother you won’t be coming home.”

She nods, understanding that she’s no longer welcome at home. “I hope one day you’ll change your mind,” Shelby says, defeated. 

Her father scoffs and pushes past her, not uttering a single word. There’s an echo of a door slamming and Shelby deflates. She wants to cry and break down but she has one last exam to write in half an hour. Her room looks like a hurricane flew through with her things strewn everywhere and bits of glass and ceramic broken on the floor. 

Shelby gathers her backpack, sliding her laptop inside and gathering the few essential items she has that aren’t destroyed. Her phone won’t turn on so she leaves that on her desk. When she exits her room Fatin, Dot, and Leah are looking at her with sympathy but she can’t deal with that right now. 

She shrugs her shoulders and leaves the apartment, shoving her emotions down until she can finish her last exam. 

Three hours later Shelby makes it back to her apartment and climbs right into bed. She feels numb to the events of earlier, scared that if she opens up then she’ll be unable to stop crying. She doesn’t want to feel weak, doesn’t want to feel like her fathers words and actions have gotten under her skin in the way they did. 

It’s heartbreaking to lose her family in such a way. She knows kids all over have dealt with the same circumstances, coming out stronger than ever because they allow themselves to be who they truly are. Shelby has no desire to return home to save the relationship with her parents, not if they don’t accept who she is. 

Sometime later when the sun begins to set and orange light filters into her room does she get a visitor. Someone crawls into bed, hugging her from behind, and she knows who it is just by the citrus shampoo. Shelby hadn’t shed a tear but now the floodgates open as Toni holds her, sobs wracking her body uncontrollably. 

“I’m so sorry,” Toni whispers into her ear, holding Shelby tight. 

They lay like that until the sun sets and Toni is forced to turn on the bedside lamp, Shelby slowly collecting herself. Her heart hurts at the loss of her family. She knew on some level that this was coming, that her parents would never accept her, she had just always hoped for the best. She thought they would love her no matter what because she was their daughter. 

Shelby sits up in bed, turning to Toni. “I’m sorry.”

Toni reaches out and wipes away the stray tear on Shelby’s cheek. “Baby, you have nothing to be sorry for.”

That sends another round of hurt through her as she’s unable to control her tears. Toni just pulls Shelby into her, holding onto her as tight as she can. Shelby is exhausted from crying but the love from Toni only spurs her on. 

“I don’t know what I did to deserve you,” Shelby says into the crook of Toni’s neck. 

Toni pulls back, wiping away Shelby’s tears. “Don’t ever say that again.”

“But-”

“Fuck what your dad said. He’s a piece of shit for doing that to you,” Toni says fiercely. 

“I can’t go home.”

Toni reaches out, framing Shelby’s face and guiding her to look her in the eyes. “I never had a proper home, not until I met the Blackburns but I know what home feels like. I know what me and you have is special. You’re my home, Shelby.”

Shelby feels all the love she has for Toni swell inside her. She leans forward kissing her in answer, agreeing. 

“Fuck them, alright? You don’t need those homophobic bigots in your life. Not when you have me and Martha, Fatin, Dot, Leah, Rachel, and Nora. We’re your family just as much as those people who raised you.” Toni pauses, smiling. “Martha was ready to kill someone when she found out what happened today.”

Shelby can’t help but laugh at the image. 

“We’re here for you and whatever you need,” Toni says. 

“Thank you,” Shelby whispers, leaning forward so their foreheads touch. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Toni kisses her gently. “Do you wanna go see our friends? They’re worried about you.”

Shelby takes a deep breath and nods 

When they exit her room Shelby is swarmed and arms thrown around her. She can’t help but laugh, feeling the love of her friends is overwhelming. They pull away one by one but stay close, all looking just as haggard as Shelby feels. In a way, they went through something today too. 

It’s Leah who speaks first. “We’re really glad you’re okay.”

“I was ready to storm in there and kick some ass for you,” Fatin tells her. “Dot was holding me back.”

“I think I was holding us all back,” Dot laughs. She reaches out and gives Shelby’s arm a squeeze. 

“We’re really proud of you,” Martha says. 

“Yeah, who comes storming in here like that to take their grown ass daughter home?” Fatin asks, more of a rhetoric question. “Fuck that guy.”

Shelby laughs, wiping away a tear from the corner of her eye. “Don’t worry he won’t be coming back.”

“Good,” Dot chimes in. 

“We’re your family now.” Leah says, echoing what Toni said earlier. “We love you for who you are.” 

The others murmur in agreement. 

“Stop or else I’m gonna cry,” Shelby whispers, looking anywhere but at her friends. Toni pulls Shelby into her side, kissing her forehead. 

“Can we get drunk now?” Fatin questions, breaking up the tension and sorrow in the room. 

Shelby lets out a watery laugh. “Please.”

While the events earlier in the day were unpleasant and unexpected they did bring about something good. Shelby has never felt more at home with her friends, nor felt such love from them like this. She realizes she doesn’t need her parents, not anymore and not when she has her friends and Toni standing by her side. 

* * *

Graduation day arrives faster than expected. 

Finishing off senior year is both exhausting and exhilarating. Shelby spends most of her extra time putting together her portfolio and applying for jobs after graduation. Toni and others apply for grad school across the country. Shelby makes sure to widen her job search to be able to be close to whatever school Toni gets into. It’s terrifying knowing that after their last exams she’ll be pushed into the real world to fend for herself, no more hiding under the shelter of school. 

Shelby wakes up next to Toni and kisses her awake like she does every morning. “Morning, sleepy head.”

“Go away, too early,” Toni says, swatting at Shelby. 

“It’s graduation day, we gotta get up,” Shelby laughs, rolling away from Toni and slipping on her robe. 

She looks over her shoulder to see Toni staring up at her from bed, fire in her eyes. Shelby smirks, drops her robe, and slips into Toni’s bathroom for a shower. She turns the hot water on and steps under the spray of water, rinsing her hair out. The bathroom door opens and closes and she can hear the ruffle of clothes falling to the floor. 

Toni pulls back the shower curtain and steps inside, joining Shelby under the spray of water. Shelby pushes Toni’s hair out of her eyes, watching as she blinks away stray water droplets that run down her face. Shelby gently walks her back into the shower wall, hands sliding down and settling on Toni’s shoulders. 

Toni lets out a quiet gasp when her back hits the cold tile wall and Shelby captures it with a searing kiss. She can feel Tonis’ nails run down her back, settling on the small of her back as she desperately pulls Shelby into her. She finds her hands wandering, one cupping the back of Toni’s neck while the other runs over her front, across her collarbone and to her breast, pinching a nipple. 

Shelby pulls away causing Toni to chase her lips, wanting to keep her in place to kiss her but Shelby has other plans. She nips and sucks down Toni’s neck and across her collarbone, following the path of her hand as she settles at Toni’s breasts. Toni arches her back, fingers tangling in Shelby’s hair as she sucks a nipple into her mouth. 

Shelby pulls away, smirking as she kneels in front of Toni, pushing her thighs apart. The water is warm on her back making her blood run hot. Shelby sucks a hickey onto the inside of Toni’s thigh, her grip on Shelby’s hair impossibly tight as she tugs her into place at the apex of her thighs. Shelby looks up at Toni through hooded eyes, teasing her as she takes her time. 

Toni tugs her hair again and Shelby gives in, placing her mouth where Toni wants it causing her to moan loudly. Shelby loves this part, loves making her girlfriend come completely undone as she writhes above her. She knows they’re short on time so she works her tongue as best as she can, even running her own hand down to the valley of her thighs working herself over at the same time. 

Toni grips Shelby's hair impossibly tight before she comes and Shelby feels her own orgasm follow close behind. Toni pulls her hand from Shelby’s hair, letting out a little sigh as she comes down from her high. Shelby stands and Toni reaches for Shelby’s fingers, bringing them to her mouth and cleaning them off. Toni brings Shelby in for a kiss, pulling away and giving her a silly little smile as she’s all blissed out. 

They wash up quickly after that, Shelby pestering Toni about the time. They would show up late everywhere if it were up to Toni. Shelby wears a nice sundress while Toni settles on a jumpsuit, shoving her hands in the pockets as she looks herself over in the mirror. Shelby comes up behind her, wrapping her arms around Toni, staring at the two of them in the mirror. 

Shelby drops a kiss on Toni’s cheek. “Time to go.”

Martha throws granola bars at them when they emerge, a sour look on her face. “I cannot wait until you two get your own apartment.”

“Aww, Marty, you're gonna miss us,” Toni teases, trying to throw an arm around Martha but she dodges it. 

“I’m really not, you two are loud.”

Shelby blushes but Toni looks proud of herself. “Only two months left on the contract, I think you’ll survive.”

Martha rolls her eyes, heading out of the apartment as Toni and Shleby follow close behind. They walk to campus since it’s a warm June morning. Shelby smiles to herself as she listens to Martha and Toni bicker. Martha will be heading to Colorado to further her education in Indiginous studies while Toni and Shelby will be moving to Chicago. They were lucky enough to skip out on the long distance as Shelby got a job and Toni was offered a scholarship for grad school in the city. 

When they reach the college they are forced to split up after getting their gowns and hats. The ceremony is long and boring. Shelby spends it texting in the group chat as they plan how they’re going to celebrate that night. Fatin is throwing one of her infamous parties and sends pictures of all the guys she’s invited off Tinder. It’s probably the last party with all of them together so everyone is prepared to make the best of it. 

She watches as all of her friends go up on stage shaking hands with the dean and other important people. Shelby follows suit, pausing and taking a mandatory picture as she steps up beside the dean. She looks out into the endless crowd of parents and supporters and knows her parents aren’t in attendance. It doesn’t bother her like she thought it would, she’s made her peace with it a while ago. 

It’s been over six months since their falling out and she hasn’t spoken to her parents, nor siblings. She found out after that her parents were sent a social media post which exposed Toni and Shelby kissing. There was one simple conclusion to draw from the post and Shelby realizes she doesn’t care how they found out. The results would have been the same regardless if Toni were in the picture or not. It stings less and less everyday and Shelby has come to accept living a life without her biological family. 

At the end of the ceremony she meets up with everyone and their parents. It’s really only the Blackburns, Rilkes, and Reids but they’re all proud of the girls. They get countless group pictures together, each one of them a little sad that they’ll be splitting up and each going their separate ways. Fatin and Leah are headed to New York City, Dot to Washington, Nora to California, and Rachel to Florida. 

Unsurprising to all of them, Fatin begins to tear up. “I’m going to miss you bitches.”

A chorus of voices rings out around them as they all pile into a group hug, promising to keep in touch and they’ll miss her too. Shelby feels herself tearing up a little because this is her family and she hates that they’re all going their separate ways after this. Toni notices and gives her hand a squeeze. 

“Okay, I’m good now,” Fatin says, waving everyone away as they laugh. 

Shelby knows she’ll say her goodbyes later so she hangs back with Toni as the others begin to make their way back to the apartment, parents in tow. The crowd thins out around them and Shelby pulls Toni into her, kissing her. She pulls back with a small smile. 

Toni smiles at her, “what was that for?”

“I’m really excited for our future together in Chicago.”

“Me too” Toni replies. 

“It’s just me and you.”

Shelby reflects on the past four years at college with how far she’s grown as a person. She’s proud of where she’s come from and where she has ended up. She has amazing friends that have turned into family and is in love with this amazing woman who remains by her side through everything. This may not have been what her parents wanted for her but it’s what Shelby wanted and she’s not settling for any less. 

“C’mon.” Toni laces her fingers through Shelby’s, pulling her towards their friends who were off in the distance. 

Shelby smiles, coming to a sudden realization. “I know you don’t like religion but in a roundabout way God brought me you.”

Toni stares up at her, “what are you talking about?”

“Four years ago God presented me with so many signs that I knew this was where I was supposed to be. This college was where I met and fell in love with you. So really, God led me here to you.”

Toni laughs, shaking her head but not with malice. “Nerd.”

Shelby can’t help but join her laughing. “But you love me anyway.”

“Unfortunately, I do,” Toni says with the biggest smile, her eyes radiating warmth. 

“I love you, too.”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> thoughts, feelings, opinions?


End file.
